It’s Hot As Hell!

It's Hot as Hell! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Why in the world don’t you have an air conditioner?” The Devil grumbled as he loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt.

Of course, he still wore an impeccably tailored three-piece suit and looked like he had just stepped off the runway at a fashion show, despite his complaints about the unrelenting Maine heat.

What a jerk.

“For the amount of money it costs me to heat this place every winter, I refuse to spend any additional funds to cool it off during the summer,” I explained as I hiked up the bottom of my sweat soaked toga to allow my legs to get some air.

“That is ridiculous logic,” Lucifer growled in disgust.  “I’ll write off this monumental case of stupidity to the fact that your brain is most likely boiling right now.”

As annoying as it might be to hear, The Prince of Darkness was right to complain.  It was hot, and I would be bitching, too, if I had the energy.  I’d spent the last two nights slowly roasting in my bed as the fan in my bedroom did very little to cool the disgustingly hot night air.

“Why is this little Maine heat wave even bothering you?” I demanded as I wondered how it might feel to crack a tray of ice cubes directly onto my chest.  “Isn’t Hell a lot worse than this on its coolest day?”

We're having a heat wave!“You’re completely missing the point,” Satan informed me as he dabbed at his handsome face with a handkerchief even though there was no sign of sweat.  “I come here to escape work and have a mini holiday.  I don’t want to be reminded of it while I’m here.”

I just sighed.  Not because I disagreed with what he had said, but because I was too drained to form any words.

I ripped the top off of the cooler that sat in front of the couch, and I stared at the bottles of Snapple that floated in the icy water.

Never before in my pathetic life had I so badly wanted to play Bobbing for Snapple.

The Devil must have read my mind, which is one of his many scary talents, because he quickly snatched two bottles out of the cooler and replaced the lid.

“I don’t want you drowning in there.  I know you’re not much of a swimmer,” he said with an ominous chuckle as he handed me my frosty beverage.

I immediately applied the Snapple to my forehead and held it there until my body temperature had decreased by about forty degrees.

“It’s hot as Hell…” I mumbled before I removed the cap and chugged half the bottle.

“That’s why you need an air conditioner, genius,” Lucifer snickered as he turned his attention to the Sunday paper.  “This is one problem in your life that you can actually rectify quite easily.  Why do you refuse to do so?”

It's Hot as Hell! | The Return of the Modern PhilosopherThe Prince of Darkness was correct.  My plate was overflowing with problems at the moment, and for some reason, I was choosing to ignore the simple solution to one of them.  What the Hell was wrong with me?

“You don’t like change and you’re petrified of making any decision that involves spending a substantial amount of money,” Satan told me without looking up from the article he was reading.

That sounded right.  Typical Austin in fact.  How I’d gotten this far in life without constant supervision was a miracle unto itself.

But why had my house guest made that comment?  Was he reading my mind again?

“Yes, I was,” The Devil answered.  “Can you keep it down over there?  I am trying to read the paper.”

I just closed my eyes, cleared my exhausted mind of any thoughts, and chugged the rest of my Snapple…

It’s too hot to do anything more than follow me on Pinterest…


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to It’s Hot As Hell!

  1. I don’t have a/c, bark mulch or a manicured lawn down here in MA. I live in the woods. I understand your logic and Lucifer can go to hell.

  2. This made me laugh, thinking back to a hotter-than-hell summer in Wichita, Kansas and what we did to survive it without an air conditioner. I could never survive such a summer today without one.

  3. Jeez, if you get a/c, can I move in?!?! (I won’t drink all your Snapple, I promise.) It’s so bloody hot here, I feel it eating my brain…(what’s left of it) LOL

  4. Sheila Moss says:

    I’m going to kiss my air conditioner right now.

  5. stomperdad says:

    If only there was a way to keep all that cold in the winter through the summer we’d be set. We refuse to get an air conditioner, too. It would only be used for a month and a half at best. Love your chats with The Prince!

  6. ksfinblog says:

    ask lucifer for some flambeed icecream.

  7. Boiling right now and dreaming of air con here in England! Our two days of summer will be over soon though so no need to go crazy and fork out for air con just yet!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s