Pokemon Go…To Hell!

Pokemon Go...To Hell! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher“Do you plan to join the Pokemon Go craze?” The Devil asked as we sat in the sun on the front porch.

“Are you out of your mind?” I snapped back before he had even put the question mark at the end of his query.  “You are reading the actual print version of the Sunday paper.  I am reading a hardcover book.  We’re not exactly on the cutting edge of modern technology, are we?”

“So we prefer reading off of paper rather than via an electronic device.  That doesn’t mean we still don’t want to catch ’em all,” Lucifer countered.

I rolled my eyes and pulled my phone out of my pocket.  “I’m lucky if I get decent reception on this thing.  I’ve got apps on here that [NAME REDACTED] begged me to download, but I still have no clue how to use.  I don’t know how to add Pokemon to the list, nor do I have the desire to find out.”

The Prince of Darkness put down his paper and gave me a dirty look.  “You don’t have to be such an old fart about it.  There’s an article about it in the paper, and it just looks like a great way to meet new people and have fun.”

“There’s your problem,” I informed him as I put my phone back in my pocket where it couldn’t cause any harm.  “I don’t want to meet new people, and fun is too much work.”

Satan shook his head in disagreement and brushed a mosquito away from his impeccably tailored suit.  “You really are hopeless.  You’re so afraid of dying alone and unloved, and yet you do nothing to alter that destiny.”

Gotta catch 'em all!“So now you’re saying that I’m going to find love and companionship in a group of total strangers chasing imaginary creatures with their cell phones?” I asked as I angrily snatched a Snapple out of the cooler.

“That’s no stranger a scenario than the one through which you met the current cause of heartbreak and sadness in your life,” The Devil reminded me.

“Let’s not go there right now,” I warned him.

For once, Lucifer actually took my feelings into account and agreed to let go of a topic that was far too painful for me to discuss.

After all, this was planned as a humorous take on the Pokemon Go craze, not a commentary on the sudden sad turn of my love life.

Gotta catch ’em all my ass.  I’d be happy to just find one and not have her leave me feeling like I’d been run over by a freight train.

Go poke yourself...“Look, The House on the Hill is already overrun by Otherworldly Beings,” I made my frequent house guest aware in a desperate attempt to regain my focus and not drag you guys into my chaos.  “The last thing I need is an army of Pokemon running around the place and acting like they live here.”

“That’s completely my bad,” The Prince of Darkness said apologetically.  “Having your home filled with little monsters is the last thing you want to think about right now.”

Of course, the irony of it all is that the plan was for there to be little monsters running around The House on the Hill in the very near future.  Now it looks like it’s back to just me, the kitties, and whatever Otherworldly Beings want to call this place home.

I thought I’d actually caught ’em all, Modern Philosophers…every last dream I ever had about my future was about to come true.

But now, it’s back to being the depressed, lonely guy who is crying out on his front porch for no apparent reason on a beautiful summer night.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me...“I really do love you,” I whispered through my tears to the green eyed woman who I had planned to marry before the end of the year.

Funny how your life can go to Hell in an instant…

I’m not usually this pathetic.  You should follow me on Pinterest!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Pokemon Go…To Hell!

  1. I’m sorry to hear of your current situation, Austin.

    On a side note, your “I don’t want to meet new people, and fun is too much work” statement reminded me of Boober Fraggle.

  2. The Chaos Realm says:

    S**t, I’m sorry…hope it works out…

  3. I was trying to think of an appropriate comment, but have failed to find words. 😦 Hang in there.

  4. adamjasonp says:

    I awful, Austin. The heartbreak I’m feeling reading your words…

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