The last two weeks have been hot, sweaty, humid, and disgusting in Maine, Modern Philosophers.
Heat Miser is back and things are not going well at The House on the Hill because the place doesn’t have any air conditioning.
So I’ve been incredibly miserable, suffering, losing sleep, dealing with horrible nightmares, and then going full Groundhog Day and reliving it all over again.
I don’t know when this heat wave is going to break, and for some reason, I refuse to buy an air conditioner.
Since I’m sure I’m not the only one suffering through this long, hot, sweaty Summer, I thought I’d offer some advice on how to beat the heat without air conditioning…
Get paid to use the air conditioning. My job doesn’t have many benefits, but the one at the very top of the list right now is the free air conditioning. They keep it running pretty much all the time, even on the weekend, so I’ve taken advantage of that and worked 105 hours over the past two weeks.
Hey, if they’re going to pay me time and a half to enjoy the air conditioned comforts of my office, then I’m more than happy to put in the extra hours. If only they’d let me sleep there, all would be well in my hot, sticky world…
Don’t fear the Mallrats. I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan, and I’ll admit that Mallrats wasn’t his best flick, but those punk kids were on to something.
The mall is a great place to hang out all day to take advantage of free air conditioning.
My favorite loitering spot is the book store. It’s got big, cushy chairs, a cafe, free WiFi, and all the books you can read. Hell, if they’d let me sleep there, I’d never leave.
Most malls have a movie theater, so for the price of a matinee ticket and a little sneaking around when the ushers aren’t looking, you can spend all day watching flicks and enjoying the air conditioning and free refills on your popcorn.
Remember that heat rises. This is a very important fact to keep in mind when trying to handle a heat wave without an air conditioner.
The House on the Hill is old and poorly insulated, so the heat gets in and stays in. However, it rises up to the second floor.
As a result, my bedroom is at least ten degrees warmer than my living room, and the basement bunker actually feels like it has air conditioning. So, I spend a lot of time down in the basement where I can still get a WiFi signal to remain connected to my loyal readers. I have no problem spending a Saturday in the basement where I can read a good book or work on my latest writing project.
Last night, I finally used my brain and slept on the couch for the first time since Heat Miser made his comeback. Sure, the couch isn’t nearly as comfy as my bed, but the dramatic change in temperatures allowed sleep to come without my first having to promise my soul to The Devil.
Ice, Ice, Baby. I have this bizarre, but effective ritual that I engage in every night before bed. I’m going to share it with you now, Modern Philosophers, because there should be no secrets between us. At least not when it comes to beating the heat.
I grab a few ice cubes out of the freezer and rub them across my forehead, chin, neck, back, and chest. I’m not sure if it really does anything to lower my body temp before I hit the hay, but it gives me a decided psychological advantage in my nightly battle against Heat Miser.
Give it a shot. Ice is free. What’s it going to hurt to try?
We all scream for ice cream. On the eighth day, God gave us ice cream, and He did so exactly for scorchers like this.
Eat a bowl of ice cream every night, Modern Philosophers. It will cool you off and remind you of happier days as a child when all you had to worry about during the Summer was how many days were left until the first day of school.
This afternoon, I had a root beer float while I worked on my new screenplay out here on the porch. Ice cream is the perfect way to beat the heat, and now that you are an adult, you can eat it any damn time you want!
Don’t go looking for heat stroke. Don’t go looking for trouble. If it’s hot, humid, and camels are passed out on the side of the road because of the conditions, don’t do something stupid like go for a run!
Especially do not do this if you cannot curl up in a sweaty ball directly beneath the air conditioner when you finally crawl home.
If you really must exercise, go to the air conditioned gym and sweat there. But seriously, who the hell needs to exercise in this heat when the sweat is cascading down your back like a salty waterfall? Give it a rest and run to the fridge for some more ice cream.
Be patient. If you live in Maine like I do, just be patient. It will probably snow next week and you’ll be wishing for another heat wave like this one as you shovel out your driveway.
Hope these tips come in handy. Of course, if anyone would like to send an air conditioner to The House on the Hill, I would never turn down such generosity!
Follow me on Pinterest, you hot, sweaty bastard!
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
I have air conditioning – but I still have plenty of nightmares.
Then again they’re actually nightmarish daydreams…
Aw, forget it.
Great post, ya overheated champion!
Thank you, sir!
Oh but long hot summer days are so much better than the even longer dreary winter ones. I am of course saying that from the comfort of the U.K. where a ‘long hot summer’ lasts about 4 days before it needs a rest. We have had quite a long run of hot weather lately though and NO ONE here (in the sticks!) has really heard of air conditioning in the home, let alone GOT it!
Having spent 10 years in Toronto when I emigrated to Canada from the UK, I have lived with air conditioning and I hated it with a passion – it made me really ill with sinus problems. I couldn’t get used to going into shopping malls where it would be chilled and then back outside in blistering heat. It was just weird. And then the reverse in winter! After 10 years I gave up and came home to the comfort of rain, wind and clouds for 9 months of the year 😀.
Be strong! Resist that air-conditioner if someone responds to your plea – if you can’t stand the heat, get down to the basement!
I will flee to the basement bunker whenever necessary!
Drink plenty of water.
Excellent point. I should have put that one on the list for sure!
Love the summer but OH, Yes, it can get so hot!! Great to be able to escape the heat with the pool, beach and AC if needed! Great ideas in this post!
Thanks. I wish I had a pool right now…
Few people think of the words “Maine” and “Heat Wave” belong in the same sentence any more than they’d think of the words “Florida” and “Blizzard.”
Where is a slip ‘N slide when you need one?
Lost of people in the south who like to run will join a gym to keep in shape in the A/C until the worst of the heat passes. It’s great if you can afford it, and if you have the intiative and/or energy to drive to the gym.
I have no energy or initiative at all right now. This damn weather better break soon!
I looked up the Temps in Bangor. Weather Underground says the high is supposed to be 78 there today. They’re not always accurate.
I hope that your version of “comfortable weather” comes your way soon.
Right now, in my part of Florida, it’s 91 and it’s supposed to reach 94. I have a fan in the window with all the windows open and I’m comfortable.
If I were in Maine, I would be freezing at 71 degrees, and 78 is a bit cool from my comfort.
If you ever decide to visit Orlando or vacation in Florida, I’d suggest that you come in late March or late October. 🙂
Today is much better than the constant 90 degree temps we’ve been having…
If the Koch Brothers and their ilk were not pulling all the stops out in stopping emerging wind and solar power industries in this country, it would be easy to obtain an air conditioner without worrying about paying the electric bill.