Panicked Republicans Debate Trump’s Lobotomy

Donald Trump, politics, Hillary Clinton, Republicans, Presidential Election, humor, Modern PhilosopherJust when you thought those entertaining Republican debates were over, Modern Philosophers, the biggest one of all has been happening without your even knowing it.

Politic insiders are reporting today that a panicked GOP leadership has been meeting behind closed doors to decide if Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump should be given a lobotomy.

“If we don’t do something soon, Trump is just going to hand over the election to Clinton,” an agitated Republican leader told this Modern Philosopher as she wept into a silk handkerchief emblazoned with elephants.

In case you’ve lost access to the media, Trump has been in the news pretty much non-stop lately for saying whatever ridiculous thing explodes out of his mouth like oral diarrhea whenever there are microphones and television cameras in front of him.

While this is just business as usual for the Billionaire Buffoon, it’s not the way a Republican Presidential candidate is supposed to behave this late in the game.

“Trump might as well pretend he’s a Secret Service Agent and leave the front door of the White House unlocked and unguarded for Hillary to just stroll in,” a political pundit with knowledge of the situation revealed smugly over drinks.  “The next thing he says could be the straw that breaks the elephant’s back.”

According to my sources high up in the Republican Party, it’s no longer a question of if they will force Trump to undergo a lobotomy, but when.

And how to make the Democrats pay for it, of course.

Jack Nicholson, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Donald Trump, humor, politics, Modern PhilosopherWhen asked how he felt about a mandatory lobotomy, Trump replied, “If I wanted to imitate one of Jack Nicholson’s roles, it definitely wouldn’t be from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest!”

Somebody pointed out to Trump that Jack won an Oscar for that role.

“So what he won an Oscar?” Trump waved off the reporter.  “Marisa Tomei won an Oscar, so that shows you how great an accomplishment that is.  I could win an Oscar if I wanted.  I’d be an amazing actor, but I’m too busy trying to make America great again.”

“Of course, Crooked Hillary would make a perfect Nurse Ratched, wouldn’t she?” Trump mused as his mouth just continued to wander.  “Trying to force unwanted medical procedures on the public and making America foot the bill.  That’s Obamacare for you!”

Being a curious film nerd, I needed to know which of Nicholson’s roles Trump would imitate if he had the choice.  My money was on A Few Good Men, but you never know what the hell is going to come out of Trump’s pre-lobotomized brain.

Jack Nicholson, The Joker, Batman, Donald Trump, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“I’d want to be The Joker, of course!” Trump declared and then made one of his weird faces that seemed to imply I was stupid for not knowing the answer.

“You want to talk about a rigged election?” he then asked no one in particular.  “This one is obviously the most rigged election of all time if Crooked Hillary wins, but the Oscars that year had to be rigged.  How did Jack not win?  Who even won that year?”

While Trump aides worked to find the answer, the Republican Party decided to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight and secretly conduct a poll.

According to the preliminary results, 91% of American voters who knew what a lobotomy was were in favor of Trump getting one before Election Day.

The other 9% assumed, based on the nonsense coming out of the candidate’s mouth, that Trump had already had the procedure done.

It appears that Republican leaders are now trying to sweeten the deal.  They are putting together a list of doctors with “extremely American sounding names” (that wording is a direct request from Trump’s camp), to handle the procedure.

Of course, every minute that the Republicans debate the issue is another minute that Trump is out there, completely uncensored, saying whatever comes to mind.

And Hillary’s smile grows as big as her lead in the polls.

Do you think the Republican Party has the right to make Trump submit to a lobotomy?  Do you think a lobotomy will do Trump any good?  Do you think there is even a brain inside Trump’s skull, or has that weird furry thing atop his head already eaten it?

You don’t need a lobotomy to know it’s a great idea to follow me on Pinterest…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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