The Early Bird Gets The Sweatiest

fitness, running, exercise, philosophy, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhen I’m running, Modern Philosophers, I’ll often have an out of body experience.

Why would I want to stay in my body during a run?  The thing gets all sweaty and sore, my lungs burn, my legs get heavy, and I make these annoying wheezing sounds that would alarm anyone within earshot.

So I leave my body, float high above my running route, making sure I’m well out of range of the smell of my sweat and tears, and just watch the horror show taking place below me.

Sometimes, I roll my eyes at how horribly out of shape I look from that angle.  More often, however, I’ll shout encouragement to the poor soul with the awkward running form and labored breathing, who is trying his best to get his life and body back into shape as he leaks sweat all over the neighborhood.

I got up so early for my run this morning that there wasn’t enough sun to take a proper photo to immortalize the moment.

It’s not my fault the sun is too lazy to ever get up before sunrise, but I couldn’t wait for it to finally make an appearance.  I wanted to get in my three miles before I left for my thirteenth consecutive day of work, so I hit the road in the dark and prayed that drivers would either see my massive silhouette and swerve to avoid me, or they would hear my cacophony of suffering runner noises and drive as far away as possible from the invisible herd of stampeding elephants loose on the streets.

Since it was so dark, and I was still so sleepy, I went into out of body mode almost immediately.  And as I drifted high about the chaos that is me in runner mode, my Deep Thoughts drifted off to the oddest idea…

health, fitness, running, humor, Modern PhilosopherThe early bird gets the sweatiest.

Pretty deep for a man already drowning in sweat long before the half mile mark, don’t you think?

Of course, this led to other thoughts like…

Do birds sweat?

Is flying in the rain how birds take a shower?

Is When Doves Cry a song about a bunch of doves who were upset that they went for a run?

I know you’ve all heard of a runner’s high, but I think that I experience a Modern Philosopher’s low when I run.  My Deep Thoughts drift to such strange places that you would probably guess I’d suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Perhaps it’s because all the oxygen, which usually floods my brain to keep my Deep Thoughts fresh and intriguing, is needed elsewhere during my runs.  That makes perfect sense now that I think about it while my body is at rest, my lungs aren’t screaming for air, and my body has stopped weeping.

After all, sweat is just my body’s way of crying about having to run.

So does that make me a dove, or am I still the early bird in this scenario?

Despite all these crazy thoughts about birds, run number seventeen of my new running program was my best of the last four weeks.  Once I returned to my body, I found myself able to control my breathing and increase speed over the last mile and a half.

Prince, humor, fitness, running, health, doves, Modern PhilosopherThat was definitely a new experience, which made me think that my body had given up its rebellion and would finally bend to the will of the evil Running Empire.

So maybe those doves were crying about something else entirely.  The early bird might still get the sweatiest, but a morning run isn’t all that bad.

So let’s go crazy.  Let’s get nuts.   How about tomorrow, we all go for a run?

If you don’t want to do it for the health benefits, do it for the out of body experience.  I guarantee you, that’s worth all the sweat, pain, and strange noises!

If you want to follow me on Pinterest, make sure you stretch first!


About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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2 Responses to The Early Bird Gets The Sweatiest

  1. Hurray! And good job, you! I started running three years ago…almost four. I’ve been inconsistent, and I still mostly just suck at the whole thing. However, I can now suck at doing six miles instead of three blocks, even though snails wave at me when they pass me by. I am usually telling myself a story in my head, something lovely and very far away, but I think I will try your out of body approach next. This was wonderful to read; thanks!

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