Go To Hell, Fetch Me A Snapple

writing, short story, The Devil, Hell, relationships, humor, Modern Philosopher“Where the Hell is it?” I screamed as I peered into the fridge at the very spot where the item in question was supposed to be.

I was not in the mood for this, and it was time for my volcano of pent up emotions to erupt.

Hopefully, the lava would destroy one overly expensive and impeccably tailored suit.

I stormed out of the kitchen and made it to the living room faster than my legs had ever carried me before.  I was a man on a mission.

“Where the Hell is my Snapple?” I demanded furiously of the being reading the Sunday paper on my couch.

The Devil calmly closed the paper and looked up at me.  He’s an excellent reader of people, and quickly surmised that I was not in the mood for any playfulness.

“I may have had the last one,” Lucifer confessed humbly.

“You think so?” I shot right back at his annoyingly handsome face.  “I let you hang out here every Sunday, open my house and my fridge to you, and all I ask is that you leave me some damn Snapple to enjoy with the Jets game.  Is that so much to ask?”

The Prince of Darkness looked up at me with fear in his eyes.  “I’m sorry, Austin.  I’ll replace it immediately.  But this isn’t just about the Snapple, is it?  Is there something else bothering you?”

“Of course there’s something else bothering me!” I exploded.  “Do you think I’d really get this worked up over iced tea?”

I paced.  I always pace when I’m angry.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Satan asked.  “It always helps when you get it off your chest and don’t keep it bottled up inside.”

“Is that so?” I asked with crazy eyes.  “I’m done talking about my personal problems on this blog because when I do, it ends up coming back to kick me in the balls.”

The Devil cringed.  “What in the world happened?”

Ferris Bueller, life, love, relationships, philosophy, humor, Modern Philosopher“You remember the post I wrote the other day about my visit from that smug prick Ferris Bueller?”

“Sure,” Lucifer quickly answered.  “It was a great post, and you got a lot of replies from your readers.  Most were very encouraging.”

“Well I got one more reply today,” I informed him as I collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion from all the pacing.  “This reply was most unexpected and it tore out what was left of my broken heart and shattered that remaining part to bits.”

I could have sworn I saw The Prince of Darkness quickly wipe away a tear, but I was probably just hallucinating because I was so out of my mind.

“I’m so sorry, Austin,” he said softly.  “I truly am.  I know how much that…blog post meant to you.”

I just nodded because my tears were real and I don’t enunciate well when I’m crying.

Satan handed me a silk handkerchief.

“As much as I hate talking about the old guy, my former boss does have a grand scheme for why everything happens,” he explained in his kindest voice.  “I’m sure nothing makes sense to you right now, but one day, all might be revealed.”

Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, The Devil, Hell, relationships, writing, humor, Modern Philosopher“That’s so reassuring,” I blurted out before blowing my noise loudly into the most expensive handkerchief my nose had ever encountered.

“I’ll go to Hell right now and grab you some Snapple,” The Devil notified me as he stood and walked to the door.

“If you see Ferris on your way there, will you kick his ass for me?” I requested.

“Will do, buddy,” Lucifer promised as he flashed a Devilish grin.  “I’ve always wanted to do that, but I’ve never had an excuse to do so.”

You’d be a Hell of a person if you followed me on Pinterest…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Love, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Go To Hell, Fetch Me A Snapple

  1. Fantastic, as always. Knowing there’s Snapple in hell is comforting. And imagining the devil and Ferris duking it out (is that even how you spell that?) is pretty awesome.
    Hang in there. He’s right – all things have purpose, even if we can’t quite figure it out right now.

  2. Love it…what a wonderful command of dialogue!

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