Recently, I waited out a thunderstorm at my favorite pub. As the wind rattled the windows, and the rain pounded down relentlessly, I enjoyed a pint with one of Maine’s most well known Otherworldly Beings, The Tin Man.
It’s not common knowledge that my friend from Oz is quite the ladies’ man, but trust me when I tell you that there’s a well traveled yellow brick road that leads from all parts of Maine to his bedroom.
When the topic of dating came around, my buddy was more than willing to share some tips that would allow you to be as successful at is as he is.
Never ask the Wizard for a heart. The Tin Man admits that the stupidest thing he ever did was to ask for a heart. “The heart only gets in the way, and it’s so easily broken.” When he moved to Maine to enjoy the life of a bachelor on the prowl, he quickly got rid of the Wizard of Oz’s gift. By dating without a heart, he claims he can enjoy himself without the worry of being hurt, or the guilt that he might might be hurting someone. “If you eliminate the heart from the equation, the solution is always fun!”
“I want the ladies to love me for who I am, not for what’s in my bank account.” He claims that while he has no trouble spoiling that special someone, he’s not looking to attract the kind of woman who likes shiny, expensive things. “If she’s all about material things, there’s going to come a point when she’ll expect more than I’m willing to buy. I always tell a date if she’s looking for the gold, shiny version of me, she should go out with Iron Man.”
Keep it stiff. The Tin Man makes a point of not oiling himself before a date. “I like to remind the ladies that my stiffness will work to their benefit.” Apparently, “Do you want to oil me?” is a line that almost always guarantees the big guy is going to get lucky.
Can I axe you a question? The Tin Man never goes on a date without his trusty axe. He told me he made the mistake of doing that once, and he ended up getting attacked by Flying Monkeys and had no way to defend himself.
“You never know when a date is going to unleash the Flying Monkeys, so you always want to be prepared for the worst. You show up with an axe, and you send the message that you’re prepared for anything.”
The Tin Man added that he’s found women are turned on by a man who takes control, and the ones who wanted to handle his axe were the best in bed.
The friend zone. Dating can be a very strange, confusing, and lonely world if things don’t work out, so it’s essential to surround yourself with a group of friends who are trustworthy, patient, and willing to kick the ass of anyone who hurts you.
“I might have been able to survive my journey through Oz on my own, but there is no way I’d be able to navigate the world of dating without my amigos. Much love to Dorothy, Scarecrow, and my bestie Leo. They have been my shoulders to cry on, my sounding boards, my therapists, my fashion advisers, and the ones who come running at 3AM when there’s a Wicked Witch in my place who just won’t leave.”
There’s no place like home. Always try to get a date back to your place. “There’s nothing like home field advantage, and to be quite honest, if she’s willing to go back to your place, it’s off to see the Wizard, if you catch my drift.”
I have to admit, Modern Philosophers, that I thought The Tin Man’s advice would be more eloquent, instead of sounding like the wild barking of a raving horn dog. Then again, he was a bit tipsy and I’m sure the big storm gave him flashbacks to the day Dorothy arrived in his old stomping grounds somewhere over the rainbow.
Regardless, I hope you found something in his tips that will come in handy either the next time you are on a date, or hopelessly lost in Oz.
Good luck out there!
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