The All Hallows Society, Maine’s top secret, ultra powerful organization that oversees all activities related to Otherworldly Beings, has declared this year’s Halloween Festival theme to be The Year of the Trumpkin King aka The Year of Living Very Dangerously.
I have never known the mysterious, robed members of The All Hallows Society to have a sense of humor, so I was both surprised and thrilled when I heard about the theme.
Needless to say, Trumpkin sales are booming across the state, and I was lucky enough to have my favorite Witches deliver three of these orange treasures to The House on the Hill today while I was at work.
For the uneducated (or those simply hiding from this year’s election), a Trumpkin is basically any pumpkin because all pumpkins look like Donald Trump.
You know, because he’s orange and his face is as frightening to most Americans as any jack o’ lantern.
Some people carve their Trumpkins to look like the Republican Presidential candidate, while others enjoy the challenge of trying to carve them into something even scarier.
If such a thing actually exists!
“That’s how we judge a proper Trumpkin,” explained Jasper Goggins, a seventeenth century ghost, who haunts a graveyard in Scotland when not serving as a Halloween Festival Marshal. “We show the folks the Trumpkin and then a photograph of Mr. Trump. If the Trumpkin makes them shriek louder than the photo of the scariest man in America, we know we have a winner.”
No word yet from Donald Trump about the popularity of the Trumpkins, but a member of his campaign team told this Modern Philosopher, “Of course the Trumpkin is going to be a HUUUUUGE seller. Anything related to Mr. Trump is a goldmine. America wants to be great again, and one way to do that is by putting a gourd likeness of the man himself out on your porch this Halloween. Trumpkins are the best. End of story.”
Another explanation for why Trumpkins are a smashing success this Halloween was evident in downtown Bangor. Festival revelers were on the roof of Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, Maine’s most popular Witch bar, hurling Trumpkins into the street below.
Smashing pumpkins hasn’t been this popular since the release of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness in 1995.
“Halloween is always a scary time of year,” Festival Grand Master Mayor McCheese told this Modern Philosopher as we shared a pint inside Three Toads & A Wicked Lady. “But what makes this Halloween more frightening than any in past memory is the looming specter of Future President Trump.”
When I asked my good friend, and former candidate for Governor of Maine, if he would ever consider using Halloween Season as a platform to kick off a last minute third party run for The White House, McCheese just smiled and ordered another round.
All Hail the Trumpkin King! Halloween is almost upon us, and things are getting mighty interesting up here in Maine…
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