Maine Witches Refuse To Endorse “Black Magic” Hillary

Halloween Season is in full swing in Maine, Modern Philosophers, but even the celebration of every Otherworldly Being’s favorite holiday has to pause to allow some time for the 2016 Presidential Election.

This morning, during a secret meeting held at Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, Bangor’s most popular Witch bar, Maine’s largest coven gathered to decide who it would endorse in the upcoming election.

The meeting ended, however, without the coven coming to a consensus on who it would back for President.  This Modern Philosopher needed to know why.

“We absolutely despise Trump, so there’s no way we would endorse him,” Waltzing Matilda, Maine’s oldest Witch, explained.  “Hillary is a friend from way back, when she first joined her coven.  While we would all like to see a Witch finally sitting in the Oval Office, we’re concerned by her overuse of Black Magic and what that could mean not only for the country, but also for the way the world views our kind.”

Needless to say, it blew my mind to have it confirmed by a reliable source that Hillary Clinton was a Witch.

“Everyone knows Hillary’s a Witch,” cackled Volcanica Ivy, the bar’s co-owner and along with Waltzing Matilda and Ti-Diana, a leader of the coven.  “Which is why it boggles my mind that she ever got caught up in that stupid private email server issue.  Just use your crystal ball or a bubbling cauldron to check your messages like the rest of us.”

The other members of the coven nodded in agreement.  Apparently, cauldron mail was the most reliable way for Witches to stay connected nowadays.

But I needed to know more about Hillary’s use of Black Magic.

“The most obvious misuse of Black Magic was Hillary’s rigging the primary process to deny poor Bernie Sanders the nomination,” Ti-Diana, the youngest, prettiest, and most ardent Bernie supporter in the coven told me as she served me a pint of Witches’ Brew.  “We all knew Hillary was obsessed with becoming President, but we had no idea she’d use her powers to get what she wanted and hurt such a kind, adorable old man while she did so.”

“Hillary’s use of Black Magic is nothing new,” Matilda jumped in to continue the story, “but we were always willing to look the other way as long as she limited her dabbling in it to her personal life.”

“How else was she supposed to keep Bill from cheating?” Ivy chipped in when she saw I was lost.  “She used a Love Potion to get him to fall hopelessly in love with her, but over the years, as that spell lost its power, she’d have to resort to more powerful magic to prevent him from straying.  Eventually, her only choice was Black Magic.”

Apparently, once a Witch goes Black, she really never goes back.

“Can you imagine how long she must spend in the makeup chair before every public appearance?” Diana asked with a chuckle.

I had to ask for clarification on that comment, too.

“When a Witch uses Black Magic too often, it turns her skin green,” Diana explained.  “Which, of course, could be one of the reasons why Bill has been looking elsewhere.”

“Diana!  You’re so wicked!” Volcanica Ivy admonished her with a cackle.

This definitely had to be the strangest political meeting I’d ever attended, Modern Philosophers, but with the way this election has been going, it didn’t really surprise me.

“Hillary was so beautiful and pure of heart when she first joined the coven,” Waltzing Matilda mused nostalgically.  “I used to think it was her love for Bill that made her turn to the Dark Side of the Cauldron, but now it seems obvious that it was politics and her thirst for power that led her astray.”

The other Witches mumbled their agreement, and the conversation turned to how politics can turn a person ugly both inside and out.

“I think the lesson here is to never run for office,” Ti-Diana whispered with a wink as he refilled my pint.  “If something makes you have to resort to tapping into the darkest version of yourself, how worth it can it actually be?”

Maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was just my being so consumed with the Halloween Spirit, but those Deep Thoughts sounded like the wisest words I’d heard in a long time.

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