Trump’s White House: America’s Scariest Haunted House

Halloween, haunted house, White House, Donald Trump, politics, ghosts, humor, Modern PhilosopherHalloween Season is in full swing in Maine, Modern Philosophers, and with Election Day a mere month away, it was time to vote for America’s Scariest Haunted House.

With so many amazing haunted properties to choose from, this annual tradition is usually a tightly contested battle.

This year, however, things were extremely different.

In a landslide, the likes of which Maine’s Halloween Festival hasn’t seen since that house in Amityville was all the rage, Donald Trump’s White House was this year’s runaway winner.

The All Hallows Society, the all powerful, secret society that oversees the festivities, confirmed that this was the first time in the storied history of Maine’s Halloween Festival that a building that did not yet exist was named America’s Scariest Haunted House.

“Sure, there’s a White House, everyone knows that, Austin,” Mayor McCheese, the festival’s honorary Grand Marshal, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “However, the Trump White House does not yet exist.  And I pray to Zeus and all the other higher powers that this year’s award winner never becomes a reality.”

According to Halloween Historians, prior to this year, the White House had never won this coveted award.

“You would’ve thought the White House had won in the years Lincoln and JFK were assassinated,” opined Thaddeus Beechum, an eighteenth century Ghost who once haunted the White House Rose Garden after being stung by a bee and dying there.  “But the fact of the matter is both men died off the grounds, so their spirits never haunted the building.”

ghosts, spirits, haunted house, Halloween, the White House, Donald Trump, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherBeechum did confirm, however, that the White House is jam packed with Ghosts.

“Americans have no idea how many people were brutally murdered within the confines of that great edifice,” Beechum informed me.  “Of course, the dead tell no tales, but they can conjure up quite a ruckus most nights.  Especially when they are not fans of the person occupying the Oval Office.”

When I asked Beechum if a Trump White House would be the scariest of all, he did not hesitate with his answer.

“@#$% yes, it would be!” the Ghost nearly blew out my eardrum with his overly excited answer.  “That Trump is a scary mother@#$%^&.  I’m not going anywhere near that place if The Fates curse us and see to it that the bastard gets elected.”

No comment yet from the Trump campaign about the award, but everyone involved with Team Trump is probably too busy putting out yet another flood caused by the candidate’s opening his mouth and allowing vile and disgusting words to tumble out of it.

President Obama, however, was highly amused.  “Austin, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week.  “The man hasn’t been elected yet, and hopefully never will be, but I can already sense his presence in the White House.  Maybe that’s just because they recently painted one of the rooms in the West Wing orange.”

Halloween, haunted house, humor, politics, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, the White House, Modern PhilosopherThe President had a big laugh at his joke, and then promised to prominently display the America’s Scariest Haunted House Trophy in the Oval Office until Election Day.

Don’t worry, sir, the trophy is on its way to you as we speak.  So when a Witch shows up at the White House door tonight with a huge gold cup, try not to mistake her for Hillary.

That would offend the Witch very much.

Maybe your Halloween treat should be to follow me on Pinterest…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Trump’s White House: America’s Scariest Haunted House

  1. Gilly says:

    Brilliant post! But how did the world become so bizarre that this post is even possible? When I read about the US elections, I cannot believe it isn’t just a grotesque dream I am having. I don’t take much interest in politics because I firmly believe the real world leaders are the giant corporations that pull the strings of our perceived political leaders. But this election is so bizarre, I’m staring at it like a car crash. From a distance of 3000 miles, it all seems surreal in the extreme and feels as if the unseen band of elites that call the shots are laughing behind their hands at the pantomime they have created. I have never wanted to go back to my own planet more than I do now because whatever happens in the US eventually happens in the U.K. That’s usually a GOOD thing, but I cannot imagine how a Trump/Clintonesque scenario would pan out here!

  2. With a little bit of luck, the Trump White House will stay a cautionary tale, and not become our reality. But scary that we need any amount of luck to save us from such an apocalyptic presidency.

  3. Gail says:

    Very clever yet chilling post. This election year is spooky with no treats in sight.

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