With so many amazing haunted properties to choose from, this annual tradition is usually a tightly contested battle.
This year, however, things were extremely different.
In a landslide, the likes of which Maine’s Halloween Festival hasn’t seen since that house in Amityville was all the rage, Donald Trump’s White House was this year’s runaway winner.
The All Hallows Society, the all powerful, secret society that oversees the festivities, confirmed that this was the first time in the storied history of Maine’s Halloween Festival that a building that did not yet exist was named America’s Scariest Haunted House.
“Sure, there’s a White House, everyone knows that, Austin,” Mayor McCheese, the festival’s honorary Grand Marshal, explained to this Modern Philosopher. “However, the Trump White House does not yet exist. And I pray to Zeus and all the other higher powers that this year’s award winner never becomes a reality.”
According to Halloween Historians, prior to this year, the White House had never won this coveted award.
“You would’ve thought the White House had won in the years Lincoln and JFK were assassinated,” opined Thaddeus Beechum, an eighteenth century Ghost who once haunted the White House Rose Garden after being stung by a bee and dying there. “But the fact of the matter is both men died off the grounds, so their spirits never haunted the building.”
“Americans have no idea how many people were brutally murdered within the confines of that great edifice,” Beechum informed me. “Of course, the dead tell no tales, but they can conjure up quite a ruckus most nights. Especially when they are not fans of the person occupying the Oval Office.”
When I asked Beechum if a Trump White House would be the scariest of all, he did not hesitate with his answer.
“@#$% yes, it would be!” the Ghost nearly blew out my eardrum with his overly excited answer. “That Trump is a scary mother@#$%^&. I’m not going anywhere near that place if The Fates curse us and see to it that the bastard gets elected.”
No comment yet from the Trump campaign about the award, but everyone involved with Team Trump is probably too busy putting out yet another flood caused by the candidate’s opening his mouth and allowing vile and disgusting words to tumble out of it.
President Obama, however, was highly amused. “Austin, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. “The man hasn’t been elected yet, and hopefully never will be, but I can already sense his presence in the White House. Maybe that’s just because they recently painted one of the rooms in the West Wing orange.”
Don’t worry, sir, the trophy is on its way to you as we speak. So when a Witch shows up at the White House door tonight with a huge gold cup, try not to mistake her for Hillary.
That would offend the Witch very much.
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