The Democratic nominee for President was in town to judge the Giant Pumpkin Contest as part of Maine’s month long Halloween Festival.
While addressing the crowd, Secretary Clinton was repeatedly heckled by a foul mouthed scarecrow in a Make America Great Again hat.
The former First Lady did her best of ignore the scarecrow, but after he hurled one last insult of, “Why don’t you spare us, Sugar Tits, and just put this all down in an email?” Hillary finally lost her cool.
She cast an evil glare upon her nemesis, and moment later, the scarecrow burst into flame.
Other Witches in attendance quickly quelled the flames with an Extinguisho Inferno spell, but not before the straw man with the dirty mouth lost most of both arms, his right leg, and his ugly red hat.
Secret Service Agents hustled Secretary Clinton from the scene, which caused a major delay in the judging of the Giant Pumpkin Contest.
Stephen King, a Bangor resident and author of Firestarter, told this Modern Philosopher that he was incredibly impressed with the candidate’s ability to start a fire with her mind, and planned to ask her to autograph a copy of Firestarter for him once the contest was done.
King also added, “Why can’t she use that ability to set Trump’s hair ablaze during the next debate? I’d love to see him try to slap out the flames with his tiny, tiny hands!”
As of this writing, Mrs. Clinton had yet to claim responsibility for the heckler’s suddenly bursting into flames, but we all know it was her, Modern Philosophers.
“Hillary’s mastery of Black Magic is well known in the Witching community,” Volcanica Ivy, a leader of Maine’s largest coven informed this Modern Philosopher shortly after the incident. “Fire has always been Hill’s thing. That’s why most Witches soak themselves in water and take the batteries out of their smoke detectors whenever she’s around. We even have a saying: Where there’s a pissy Hillary, there’s fire.”
While the Clinton campaign had no comment on the afternoon’s event, Donald Trump, who was at a rally in Bangor at the time of the incident, had plenty to say.
“Everyone knows Crooked Hillary is a Witch, who is addicted to using Black Magic. That’s why she’s always so sick. Dabbling in the Dark Arts will drain your body of its essential energy and leave a Witch looking and feeling like a walking corpse. I’m sure Hillary set that scarecrow on fire, but weren’t those flames tiny and pathetic? If I set someone on fire with my mind, the flames would be HUUUUUGE. There would be wildfires sweeping through the area, and President Obama, oh I can’t wait until that guy is gone, would have to declare a State of Emergency. Thanks, Obama, for nothing!”
Eventually, the charred straw was cleared from the street, and the Secret Service declared the area safe for Secretary Clinton to return.
Once the spectators had finished their last rounds and settled their tabs, they, too, took to the streets again for the conclusion of the Giant Pumpkin Contest.
In the end, she did declare a winner in the Giant Pumpkin Contest.
That winner was Donald Trump!
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