Historians Blame The Pilgrims For America’s Obesity Problem

Thanksgiving, Pilgrims, Native Americans, food, obesity, health, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt took almost four hundred years, Modern Philosophers, but historians have finally placed the blame for America’s obesity problem exactly where it belongs…

…with the Pilgrims!

“Before the Pilgrims invaded our country, forced their way across our borders, and brought their unhealthy traditions to this great land, America was as healthy as any country in the world!” Richard Comstock, renowned historian and author of Thanksgiving Made US A Bunch of Fatties, told this Modern Philosopher.

“Native Americans were lean, healthy, incredibly ripped, and had excellent eating habits,” he went on to explain as he squirmed to get his 350 lbs frame comfortable in his chair.  “Then the Pilgrims came along and introduced Thanksgiving.  Our waistlines haven’t been the same since.”

While the Pilgrims were not available to comment for this post, dozens of historians were ready to back up Comstock’s theory.

Ironically, most of them were incredibly overweight, had English sounding names, and seemed obsessed with their plans for the Thanksgiving holiday.

“Apple pie, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes…none of these things were staples of the Native Americans’ diet until after that fateful first Thanksgiving feast,” Historian Mary Elizabeth Allen-Rentch, author of Pass the Gravy: Why America Needs Thanksgiving, stated as she handed me an autographed (and gravy stained) copy of her book.

Pilgrims, Thanksgiving, food, obesity, health, satire, humor, history, Modern PhilosopherAccording to Allen-Rentch, the introduction of the Thanksgiving feast to American culture was, without a doubt, the worst atrocity the Pilgrims ever committed.

I’m sure there are many who will disagree with you on that one, Mary Elizabeth, but who’s going to listen to people who haven’t spent 36 consecutive weeks on the New York Times Bestseller List?

Abraham Jefferson, historian and author of Enough With The All Black Wardrobe, Did You Forget To Bring Other Colors Over On The Mayflower?, is a firm believer that the Pilgrims are to blame for America’s weight issues.

“Seventy-three percent of all Americans will be officially obese after Thanksgiving dinner.  That’s a fact,” Jefferson declared as he shook his head disapprovingly at my toga.  “The Pilgrims only wore black, which we all know is incredibly slimming, so they were able to hide their pot bellies well.  The Native Americans had no idea what they were in for when they allowed themselves to fall under the spell of turkey, yams, stuffing, pies, and all that damn addictive gravy.  The Pilgrims made us fat!”

Thanksgiving Dinner, Thanksgiving, Pilgrims, food, obesity, fat, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherSo as you celebrate Thanksgiving this year, Modern Philosophers, generate some Deep Thoughts about the power you’ve allowed the Pilgrims to hold over you on this particular Thursday in November for every year of your life.

Do you want to remain Miles Standish’s fat, sleepy puppet until you die, most likely of complications brought on by your weight?

Do you think it’s time to return America to its slimmer, fitter, healthier days?  Would you give up your Thanksgiving feast for a healthy salad and a big glass of ice water?

If the Pilgrims had served that menu at the first Thanksgiving, America would be a much different nation.

Thanks, Pilgrims, for forcing us to work so damn hard to make America great again.  If it weren’t for your high caloric interference, we’d most likely be riding a four hundred year winning streak of greatness, and there would probably be somebody else moving into the White House in January.

Damn, this is depressing me.  Pass the gravy!

Follow my blog, check me out on Twitter, join me on Pinterest.  And then I shall give Thanks!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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4 Responses to Historians Blame The Pilgrims For America’s Obesity Problem

  1. stomperdad says:

    Thanksgiving tastes sooooo good!

  2. donedreaming says:

    Love it Austin! I feel I should be apologising for my ancestors but I also love gravy (the brown kind not that weird stuff you call gravy) – and who can hate apple pie .. now where’s that custard 😀

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