Things have been a little depressing around The House on the Hill lately, Modern Philosophers, so I lit up like a Christmas tree today when I received a Skype call from my favorite resident of the North Pole.
“Santa!” I shouted merrily at my laptop. “How are you?”
“A lot better than you’ve been apparently, Austin. Ho, ho ho!” Santa bellowed and then winked.
“I guess you would know, since you see me when I’m sleeping and awake,” I replied. “Speaking of which, have you noticed if I’ve been sleepwalking again?”
“I can review the tapes, but I don’t recall seeing any such instances lately,” Santa answered and then took a sip of eggnog. “I know you’ve been a little down, so I wanted to call to cheer you up and give you an exclusive for your blog.”
There’s nothing I could use more right now than a little good news, so I was like a kiddo on Christmas morning excitedly awaiting my present from Old St. Nick.
“What do you have for me, Santa?” I asked eagerly.
“I’ve gotten some very sad letters from children all across America asking me if I could bring them a different President for Christmas,” Santa explained. “Unfortunately, the Constitution is very clear that the Electoral College must select the President, so as much as I’d like to help, my hands are tied on this one.”
“No, no, no!” Santa shouted so loudly that I could’ve heard him from the North Pole even without the assistance of Skype. “I went to high school with Bernie Sanders, so I was really hoping that he would win.”
“I was feeling the Bern, too,” I admitted with a sad shrug. “So what are you going to do for all those sad children who are looking to you to make their Christmas, and the next four years, a little merrier?”
“I’m starting a Toys for Trump campaign to help ease the pain of every good little girl and boy upset that Donald Trump is going to be the next President,” Santa told me with a smile as he nibbled on a Christmas cookie.
“How does Toys for Trump work?” I asked as I sipped a Snapple and wondered if I was too old to get in on this exciting idea.
“It’s very simple,” Santa Claus assured me. “Any child who’s mad about President Trump will get any extra present from me this Christmas. All they have to do is leave me a sign of some sort near the Christmas tree, and I’ll deliver a bonus gift to bring a little extra joy and happiness on Christmas morning.”
“What kind of sign do you need?” I asked because I knew that all the future Modern Philosophers reading this blog would want to know.
“They can put out pretty much anything that indicates that Donald Trump is not their choice for President. It could be an I’m With Her ornament on the tree, a pantsuit hanging next to the Christmas stockings, anything Doc Brown related since he looks like my old school chum Bernie, or even a crushed orange or a smashed pumpkin,” Santa suggested.
That final suggestion made me laugh so hard that my belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.
I assured Santa Claus that I would definitely spread the word, and thanked him for trying to make the country a little merrier during such a dark time.
“I don’t want America to have a blue Christmas,” Santa replied with a heavy sigh. “You might be having an orange Christmas, but I’m not going to let it be blue.”
Santa urged me to be jollier, and then then I heard him exclaim, as he signed off from Skype, “Merry Christmas to all. You can still impeach him, right?”
Santa is more likely to move you from the Naughty List to the Nice List if you sign up to follow my blog and then check me out on Pinterest…