“I come bearing tidings of comfort and joy!” The Devil announced as he strolled confidently into the living room of The House on the Hill in an outfit that I would have to describe as “Pimp Santa”.
As always, he wore an impeccably tailored suit, but this one was fire engine red with white pinstripes. It was accessorized with a red fedora and a walking stick.
“What is going on here?” I asked with a chuckle. “Did you raid Santa Claus’ wardrobe? He is going to put you on the Naughty List for sure for that one!”
Lucifer laughed politely and even did a little twirl to give me a full view of his ensemble. Then he tapped his walking stick on the living room floor, and it magically transformed into his much more recognizable pitchfork.
“I allowed you to wallow in your Thanksgiving funk because I know the first holiday after heartbreak is horrible,” he explained. “In fact, I’m considering building a new ring of Hell with a holiday breakup theme. The holiday has passed, however, and I’m not going to allow you to ruin the most wonderful time of the year.”
The Prince of Darkness tapped his pitchfork on the floor (take it easy on my hardwoods, buddy!) and three of the ugliest, smelliest Demons ever to crawl out of the depths of Hell materialized in front of the living room windows.
The Demons drooled all over the floor, but I did my best to ignore that. I was much more intrigued by the boxes they clutched tightly in their claws.
“Are those Christmas decorations?” I asked as my voice cracked like a teenager’s due to how surprised I was by the circumstances.
“Yes, Austin, those are Christmas decorations,” Satan confirmed. “We’re going to deck your halls, vanquish the funk, and fill The House on the Hill with a little Christmas spirit!”
I was befuddled and took a long sip of my Snapple to buy myself some time to ponder this.
“You celebrate Christmas?” I asked in utter confusion. “You realize that the holiday celebrates the birth of Jesus, the son of your former boss? I know you didn’t exactly leave that job on the best of terms.”
“The Nuns taught you well,” The Devil joked as he walked his pitchfork over to the corner where it always rested during his visits. “I happen to be a huge fan of the holiday, but not because of the birthday. I love it because it promotes greed, selfishness, debauchery, and very, very bad choices. This is the kind of behavior that makes my job much easier.”
I looked over at the Demons with some concern, and my guest noticed the pool of drool forming at their feet. With a snap of his fingers, the Demons and the drool vanished, leaving behind only the boxes of Christmas decorations.
“Thanks,” I said sincerely as I tossed him a Snapple. “I was beginning to worry that Demon drool might be acidic and eat through my floors.”
“If you don’t want to bring up the artificial tree from the basement, I could summon some better housebroken Demons to deliver a gorgeous real tree,” Lucifer offered. “There’s a great forest in Norway where I get all my Christmas trees…”
He sat down on his end of the couch, and I just studied him for a moment. His outfit was ridiculous, but his intentions were so sweet.
“I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that you celebrate Christmas,” I admitted when I finally looked away and turned my attention to the boxes. “That’s like finding out that God draws upside down pentagrams near the Pearly Gates.”
“Does this mean that you’ll help me decorate the place?” The Prince of Darkness asked excitedly. “I even brought a stocking for me. No pressure on you to fill it with gifts, but I won’t be disappointed if you do. Christmas is on a Sunday, so I am looking forward to spending it here and celebrating a traditional Christmas.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m in!”
Satan’s eyes lit up brighter than the Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center. While this was all very strange, something about it also felt so right.
Follow me on Pinterest, and maybe The Devil will have a Norwegian Spruce delivered to your house for Christmas…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
I love this, Austin! I told my family about your stories and that your satire is brilliant! This is spot on to describe the insanity that has become the holidays.
Thanks, Susie. It was time to brighten up the blog a little. We’ve been in mourning for too long…
Mourning? Did you go through a break up?
Do you not read my blog anymore???
And Christmas was never the same again…
Nor shall it ever be… 🙂
There’s only a 1 letter placement difference between Santa and Satan.
Scary isn’t it?
Hello Austin!
I think the devil finds your house on the hill very attractive.
He seems to stop by frequently, especially around the holidays.
Well, he does visit every Sunday…
This happens to a lot of people who spent too many years being taught by nuns.