I say this because today, Trump spoke out against a minority that had, to this point, escaped his wrath…
“America is losing jobs every day to foreigners willing to do the work cheaper in another country,” Trump explained from his golden throne in Trump Tower. “Right now, the worst offenders are Santa Claus’ Elves.”
“I mean, I don’t even know what country the North Pole is in, but my people, and they’re the best people around because I only surround myself with the best, assure me that it is not America. Sorry, Santa, I know you love your dirt cheap foreign labor, but if you want to keep delivering toys to America on Christmas, you’re going to need to set up your workshop right here in the USA!”
Trump paused here to allow his sycophants to hoot and holler with delight, while his daughter Ivanka fed him grapes peeled by Ted Cruz.
“Look, I know that taking such a hard line stance against Santa Claus and his army of non-American workers is going to land me on the Naughty List, but I don’t care,” Trump declared as Mike Pence gave him milk from a giant gold chalice.
“I have all I could ever want. Look around, everything is made of gold. I was going to dress up Chris Christie as a toy soldier and have him guard the Christmas tree, but now I’m going to have him dipped in gold and make him stand atop the tree. And you know where I’ll have that done? In America because I’m all about creating jobs and making America great again!”
When asked if Santa Claus was open to the idea of relocating his workshop from the North Pole to America, our next President just laughed.
“He doesn’t get to decide. I’m the most powerful man in the world. He’s not only going to do what I tell him to do, he’s also going to pay for the cost of building the new workshop and training all his new American employees.”
So Santa’s Elves will not be allowed to come to America to continue working the only job they’ve ever had?
“What would be the point?” Trump laughed and motioned for security to remove the reporter who had asked the question. “Santa’s Elves are not Americans. They’re not going to be allowed in this country, and I’m certainly not going to let them continue to take food right out of the mouths of starving Americans who can’t find work because Obama totally ruined the economy.”
More cheering from Trump’s sycophants.
“Hey, if they don’t like it,” Trump countered, “then they should’ve voted for Hillary.”
But how could they have voted if they’re not American citizens?
“Ask crooked Hillary. The Democrats had millions of illegal votes cast. I’m sure they could’ve gotten out the Elf vote, too.”
Once it became obvious that there would be no logical responses to questions, and that reporters would not be allowed to touch anything made of gold or containing Trump’s DNA, the press corps dispersed.
I put in a quick call to the North Pole to get Santa’s opinion on all this.
“Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! That’s a good one, Austin,” Santa replied merrily in response to my questions. “You really do have any incredible imagination.”
It took the longest time for me to convince Santa Claus that I wasn’t joking, and that President Elect Trump fully intended to ditch the Elves and move Santa’s workshop to somewhere in America.
I reminded Santa that this was exactly what people used to say when discussing Donald Trump’s chances of becoming President of the United States.
“I’m going to have my people call Trump’s people to make it clear that no one tells Kris Kringle where he works or who works for him,” Santa declared defiantly. “He is picking a fight with the wrong hombre, and he will regret it.”
While I’d like to believe that Santa Claus will win out in the end, I just can’t clear my mind of the image of Santa’s sleigh being shot out of the air on Christmas Eve by missiles launched on the command of President Scrooge.
Bah Humbug to this idea, Mr. Grinch. Find another way to make America great again!
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