No, you didn’t, Modern Philosophers!
That’s the official word from Kissing Kris Kringle himself.
“Ho, ho, ho!” Santa Claus laughed merrily via Skype. “That’s what the Elves called me after that song became a hit. I was a shameless ho for kissing all those Mommies.”
Even though things are incredibly busy at the North Pole, Santa found the time to chat to help quell the ugly rumors.
“It was all over social media today that Mrs. Claus had left me because I was an out of control ladies’ man who cheated on her every Christmas,” St. Nick explained sadly as he hung his head. “Every decade or so, this rumor makes the rounds once that horrible song starts getting airplay. This is the worst it’s ever been, though, now that everyone is on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, or whatever else the kids are using today.”
I asked Santa if he’s delivered a lifelong supply of coal to whoever wrote the song, and I was totally caught off guard by his reply.
Santa sighed heavily. “I wish I could, but he’s my brother, so I’m supposed to love him regardless of all the annoying things he does.”
“You can’t believe everything you read on the internet,” Santa scolded me with a chuckle. “My little brother wrote the song because he was jealous of my popularity and wanted to ruin my reputation. Those were his exact words.”
I’ve know Fred almost as long as I’ve known his much more popular big brother, so it didn’t surprise me one bit to hear the motivation for his little foray into songwriting.
What did surprise me, however, was that Fred had decent writing skills.
“Fred can say what he wants about why he wrote the song, Austin, but I know the truth,” Jolly Old St. Nick continued as this story just kept getting better. “The real reason my brother wrote I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus was because he had a crush on his sister-in-law, and he hoped that the scandal would cause Mrs. Claus to leave me.”
What the Blitzen was going on, Modern Philosophers? It was as if the North Pole had somehow become the setting for the greatest soap opera ever. Details, please!
“You’ve met my wife, Austin. She’s quite easy on the eyes, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Why in the world would I need to steal a kiss with anyone else on Christmas Eve, when I have such an amazing wife to smooch every day of the year?” Santa McSmoochy Pants asked with a huge grin that filled the entire screen of my laptop.
Santa Claus had an excellent point, and I was suddenly very envious of him.
“Ironically, Fred makes a small fortune every Christmas from the song’s royalties,” Santa shared. “Like any good big brother would, I force him to use a chunk of that change to buy a wonderful Christmas present for my wife and I every year. Only seems fair, doesn’t it?”
I had to agree with the big guy’s logic on that one, Modern Philosophers.
“So just reassure the kiddos, Austin, that if they think they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, what they really saw was Mommy kissing Daddy, who was dressed as me because Mommy is kinky and into role play.”
He said it with the most serious look on his face, so I had no idea how to react.
And then Santa Claus laughed so hard that his belly shook like a bowl full of jelly.
“That last part was a joke,” he admitted once he’d finally stopped laughing. “Actually, Fred came up with that line, and I wanted to use it to prove there were no hard feelings between my little brother and I. He’s a pest, but still I love him.”
Just to be clear, no Mommies were kissed by Santa in the making of the infamous song.
Follow me on Pinterest and maybe I’ll kiss you underneath the mistletoe. Or at the very least, give you a very firm handshake of thanks…