When Santa Met Satan…

Santa Claus, The North Pole, Christmas, The Devil, short story, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, friends, humor, Modern Philosopher“I’m so sorry I’m late!” The Devil announced merrily as he swept into the living room of The House on the Hill, bringing the frigid Maine winter in with him.

“I come bearing eggnog, Christmas cookies, and warm tidings from the North Pole to help make up for my tardiness,” he said as he placed a large pitcher and a giant platter on the living room table.

I quickly looked at the gifts, my tummy rumbled with longing, but I controlled myself long enough to look up at my well dressed guest.

There was some tinsel on the shoulder of his impeccably tailored suit, and a hint of snow staining his expensive loafers.

“You were just at the North Pole?” I demanded.

It came out much more angrily than I’d anticipated, but Santa Claus and I have always had a special bond.  I had no idea Lucifer even knew him, let alone got invited to hang out at the workshop during the busiest time of year.

“Nick and I go way back, and we always get together this time of year to talk business and catch up on things,” The Prince of Darkness explained as he magically produced two Christmas mugs and placed them next to the eggnog.

“What kind of business do you and Santa Claus have to discuss?” I asked like a jealous girlfriend who had just met the other woman and discovered she was a sharper dresser.

North Pole, Christmas, Santa Claus, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern PhilosopherI snatched a cookie off the platter and shoved it into my mouth in an attempt to swallow my feelings.

Satan filled the mugs with eggnog, handed one to me, and than sat down on his end of the couch with the second mug.

“We’re basically in the same business,” he answered once he’d taken a sip of Christmas’ best beverage.  “We grant wishes to people who can really only get what they want by making a request of a higher power.”

I wanted to make a snarky comment, but once I’d thought over what he’d said, I realized that he was actually right.

“I never thought of it that way,” I admitted as I relieved the platter of another cookie.

“About a century ago, Nick and I reached a gentleman’s agreement,” The Devil went on to explain as I nibbled on my cookie.  “I’d leave December to him unless a person was on the Naughty List.  Then I could swoop in and make sure that bad boy still had something waiting for him under the Christmas tree, so to speak.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed as what he’d just said clicked with me.  “You’re doubly screwed if you end up on the Naughty List then.”

Christmas, Santa Claus, The North Pole, The Naughty List, The Devil, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“Pretty much,” Lucifer confirmed.  “Since business is so slow at Christmas due to this agreement, I’m sure as Hell going to pounce on any poor soul that Santa says is fair game.”

“The Nuns never taught me about this in Catholic School,” I mumbled as I tried to contain my terror by grabbing more cookies.

“That’s the way Jolly Old St. Nick wants it,” The Prince of Darkness chuckled.  “He feels that the promise of free gifts should be more than enough to get people to behave.  If he really has to throw in that you could lose your eternal soul for being bad, then it’s like he’s admitting that Christmas is losing its magic.”

“You guys have really thought out this one,” I quipped and sipped my eggnog.

“There’s not much to do up at the North Pole other than talk, drink Santa’s adult version of eggnog, which leads to even more talking, and check out Mrs. Claus when my good friend isn’t looking,” Satan flashed me a Devilish grin and winked.  “Don’t worry, I’m evil, but I’m not a total @#$%.”

His surprise use of foul language almost caused me to do a spit take with my eggnog, but I was able to swallow it down without incident.

The Devil, Christmas, The Devil, Santa Claus, The North Pole, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“When you think about it, Santa and I have so much in common,” The Devil decided to ease the pain of his closing statement by offering the platter of cookies to me.  “We both look great in red, we both preside over massive kingdoms and a workforce of Otherworldly Beings, and when you mix up the letters of Santa, it spells Satan.”

My mind was blown.  I gulped down the rest of my eggnog and snatched six cookies off the platter.

I didn’t dare say anything else until the Christmas cookies had a chance to work their magic and ease my pain…

Follow me on Pinterest, or I will send The Devil to your house to eat all your chips and drink all your Snapple!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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7 Responses to When Santa Met Satan…

  1. stomperdad says:

    I figured he and Santa were old friends. They have a good point. It’s kinda better to behave for the good instead of being scared for the bad.

  2. Love this. Still my favorite Sunday night read. I am SO behind on reading, though…here’s hoping for a snow day soon so I can catch up!

  3. Reblogged this on saywhatumean2say and commented:
    I knew there was a reason I like Xmas…..Just didn’t know what it was. READ LOVE/Hate Xmas…..me

  4. Megan says:

    Wow. When you wrote this I was in my own personal hell yelling at priests in the Shrine. Merry Christmas Satan. I mean, Santa. ❤

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