It’s almost Christmas,
So in honor
Of the holiday,
Everything
Should be red and green,
But my fingers
And lips
Are frostbite blue.
If I hear the words
“Polar Vortex”
Escape from your
Frozen lips,
I will punch you
Right in the face.
I know Santa Claus
Is watching,
But I am too frozen
To give a @#$%.
Put me on
The Naughty List, Santa.
At least
That way,
I’ll get coal
In my stocking,
And can burn it
To warm up again.
Winter’s uncomfortable presence
Is extremely evident
In this part of the world
That the sun has forgotten.
I am beginning to think
That Maine
Is nothing more
Than the southernmost part
Of the North Pole.
At least that
Would explain
The dozens of penguins
Sunning themselves
On my frost covered
Front lawn.
@#$% it’s cold!
I farted earlier,
And ended up
With ice cubes
In my boxers.
I do not welcome
The New Ice Age
With open arms,
And that’s
Not simply
Because
I’m wearing
So many layers
That I can’t
Lift my arms
To offer
An embrace.
I haven’t dealt
With a situation
This cold
Since the final months
Of my marriage.
I was hoping
That writing
Would light
A fire
To warm my soul.
Then I remembered,
I sold my soul
For 2oo gallons
Of heating oil
That, sadly,
Is now long gone.
@#$% it’s cold.
I think
I’ll go yell
At those
Trespassing penguins.
Maybe
Some cursing
Will get
My blood boiling
And warm me
The @#$% up…
I’m on Pinterest. Follow me there right after you follow me blog!
Exactly!
Brrrr!
it is very very very cold here right now too )
Stay warm!
Ha ha, like I keep telling people in cold climates at this time of year, move to the UK. After a winter with dreary grey skies, dampness and the quirky language barrier, you may find you prefer sub-zero temperatures afterall! Apologies for being AWOL from you blog – busy with elder care at moment and my online life is sporadic to non existent during various crises. I am busy administering tea and biscuits (cookies) day and night inbetween washing bedding and mumbling to myself. Your poem is superb and cheered me up no end. You have inspired me into thinking of how I may keep my own (forgotten and neglected) blog going with something similar during these difficult days.
I’m glad you enjoyed the poem. Happy Holidays. Try to keep smiling! 🙂
Reblogged this on Capricorn Girl and commented:
once again Austin has nailed it on the head. And made me laugh, even though its a HOT 32 C here in australia.. Bravo
Bravo Austin. Here’s cheers to Xmas. Love the idea of the penguins. Yes itoo feel like that in our winters. Had a topsy turvy day so this was out and out funnneeeeeyyyy. After all this time still love your work.
The penguins are kind of adorable. I invited them inside for mackerel martinis…
Well, don’t freeze on us because we would miss you! And, also, it would be bad for you to freeze lol. Our house is cold, too. BAH HUMBUG winter!