@#$% It’s Cold!

Winter in Maine, Christmas, Polar Vortex, Frigid Temperatures, The New Ice Age, poetry, profanity, humor, Modern Philosopher@#$% it’s cold!

It’s almost Christmas,

So in honor

Of the holiday,

Everything

Should be red and green,

But my fingers

And lips

Are frostbite blue.

If I hear the words

“Polar Vortex”

Escape from your

Frozen lips,

I will punch you

Right in the face.

I know Santa Claus

Is watching,

But I am too frozen

To give a @#$%.

Put me on

The Naughty List, Santa.

At least

That way,

I’ll get coal

In my stocking,

And can burn it

To warm up again.

Winter’s uncomfortable presence

Is extremely evident

In this part of the world

That the sun has forgotten.

I am beginning to think

That Maine

Is nothing more

Than the southernmost part

Of the North Pole.

At least that

Would explain

The dozens of penguins

Sunning themselves

On my frost covered

Front lawn.

@#$% it’s cold!

I farted earlier,

And ended up

With ice cubes

In my boxers.

I do not welcome

The New Ice Age

With open arms,

And that’s

Not simply

Because

I’m wearing

So many layers

That I can’t

Lift my arms

To offer

An embrace.

I haven’t dealt

With a situation

This cold

Since the final months

Of my marriage.

I was hoping

That writing

Would light

A fire

To warm my soul.

Then I remembered,

I sold my soul

For 2oo gallons

Of heating oil

That, sadly,

Is now long gone.

@#$% it’s cold.

I think

I’ll go yell

At those

Trespassing penguins.

Maybe

Some cursing

Will get

My blood boiling

And warm me

The @#$% up…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to @#$% It’s Cold!

  1. ksbeth says:

    it is very very very cold here right now too )

  2. Gilly says:

    Ha ha, like I keep telling people in cold climates at this time of year, move to the UK. After a winter with dreary grey skies, dampness and the quirky language barrier, you may find you prefer sub-zero temperatures afterall! Apologies for being AWOL from you blog – busy with elder care at moment and my online life is sporadic to non existent during various crises. I am busy administering tea and biscuits (cookies) day and night inbetween washing bedding and mumbling to myself. Your poem is superb and cheered me up no end. You have inspired me into thinking of how I may keep my own (forgotten and neglected) blog going with something similar during these difficult days.

  3. Louise says:

    Reblogged this on Capricorn Girl and commented:
    once again Austin has nailed it on the head. And made me laugh, even though its a HOT 32 C here in australia.. Bravo

  4. Louise says:

    Bravo Austin. Here’s cheers to Xmas. Love the idea of the penguins. Yes itoo feel like that in our winters. Had a topsy turvy day so this was out and out funnneeeeeyyyy. After all this time still love your work.

  5. grannyK says:

    Well, don’t freeze on us because we would miss you! And, also, it would be bad for you to freeze lol. Our house is cold, too. BAH HUMBUG winter!

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