According to a stunning announcement from The North Pole, Santa has added a two dollar per person delivery charge effective immediately.
The news was understandably met by outrage all across the globe, with some countries going so far as to say Santa’s sleigh would be shot out of the sky on sight, or that Santa Claus would be arrested for extortion.
While Jolly Old Penny Pinching St. Nick was unavailable for comment, citing his extremely busy schedule, his rapscallion brother, Fred Claus, clearly drew the short straw and was sent out to address the media.
“Look, people, I don’t know how you think we pay for Christmas up here at The North Pole, but take a look around. There’s no mint, so it’s not like we can just print money whenever we need it,” Fred shouted angrily at the gathered press corps. “We went through the family fortune decades ago. Now, it’s all about private donations, government grants, and corporate sponsors.”
“The world’s population is growing…a little too much if you ask me,” he continued on his rant. “Hasn’t anyone heard of condoms? Or any sort of birth control? Kids are getting greedier. Toys are more expensive to produce. We blew through our budget on December 12th. What are we supposed to do? Just throw out the rest of the Nice List? Sorry, kids, know you were good this year, but we ran out of money, so thanks for playing!”
Surely there must be another way to cover the cost of Christmas without passing along the cost to the consumer.
“Are you @#$%^& kidding me with that?” Fred screamed and threw a mug of eggnog in this Modern Philosopher’s general direction. “Is a couple of bucks really gonna break the bank? Jeez! Where else are you gonna find beautifully made, handcrafted toys for that price? Hell, we wrap them for you, too. I don’t see what the uproar is all about. It’s two damn bucks! Get over yourselves already!”
When Santa’s brother finally calmed down, he did explain that other efforts were made to try to raise money to avoid having to implement the delivery charge.
“Well, sure, we sent the Elves out to sell candy bars, which helped a little until Santa got into the stash and ate all the profits,” Fred confessed. “Nick is a big teddy bear, but he’s got some sweet tooth, as you can tell from his belly. The whole candy bar thing ended up costing us money in the end to cover the cost of all that he ate.”
“We tried a kissing booth, but Mrs. Claus got very jealous at the long line of mommies who wanted to kiss her husband underneath the mistletoe, so she shut that down very quickly. My sister-in-law is crazy possessive of her old man. She’s quite the piece of @$$, but I don’t know how Nicky puts up with the jealousy. That would get old real quick with me.”
According to Fred, several fundraising events failed for one reason or other. After he ran through the whole list, he shifted the focus from his brother to the Grinch…
“In the end, though, I think the blame for all this falls on Donald Trump,” he said quite accusingly. “Trump’s made it clear that he wants us to move the workshop to America, where the Elves would be replaced with out of work auto workers.”
“Nick won’t cave, so Trump leaned on our sponsors and threatened to put his name on their businesses if they gave us another penny. We all know the Trump name on any business means instant bankruptcy, so our sponsors had to cut us off.”
President Elect Trump was unavailable for comment other than “Bah Humbug”. We have to assume he was tied up in yet another intelligence briefing.
So regardless of the reason, the bottom line is that if you want Santa Claus to leave any gifts beneath your Christmas tree tonight, you need to leave two dollars per household member next to the milk and cookies.
This is strictly a cash only transaction. Checks will be shredded. IOUs will be fed to the Reindeer. Santa does not make change, so any payment in excess of the amount due will be considered a gratuity.
If payment is not made, presents will be taken back to The North Pole and re-gifted next Christmas.
For a price, of course.
If you would like to register a complaint about this new policy, consider yourself permanently trapped on the Naughty List.
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