I wish we could walk hand in hand down to the living room to discover the Christmas tree, beautifully decorated and still lit from the night before, standing guard over an enormous collection of presents.
I wish our children were eagerly tearing into their gifts with the same excitement and ferocity that I remember having on Christmases so long ago.
I wish that The House on the Hill would be filled with friends and loved ones, as we celebrate the holiday together with a huge feast.
I wish there were plans to go out and visit those who couldn’t make it to our place, so we could exchange gifts and be together on Christmas Day.
I wish the people in my life understood why Christmas is so difficult for me. I’m not trying to ruin the holiday for anyone, I’m not being rude by turning down an invitation to attend a Christmas party, and I don’t think it’s odd that I don’t put up a tree or buy presents.
I wish people understood that being out in large groups at this time of year is virtually impossible for me. I’d love for people to visit me in my home where I feel safe, confident, and can let down my guard. I wouldn’t even mind heading out in a one on one situation, but I simply can’t handle being somewhere that might require me to be alone with a pack of strangers. It just brings on far too much anxiety.
I wish I didn’t long so much for the love of another at Christmas, or associate the holiday with heartbreak, abandonment, and utter loneliness.
I wish Christmas wasn’t my least favorite time of the year, and that it would regain the magic it once had when my heart was still so filled with hope.
Most of all, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and that you never know what it’s like to feel this way about a holiday that brings so much joy to so many people.
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