I wish I could wake up on Christmas morning next to my special someone and hear her say, “Merry Christmas, Austin. I love you.”
I wish we could walk hand in hand down to the living room to discover the Christmas tree, beautifully decorated and still lit from the night before, standing guard over an enormous collection of presents.
I wish our children were eagerly tearing into their gifts with the same excitement and ferocity that I remember having on Christmases so long ago.
I wish that The House on the Hill would be filled with friends and loved ones, as we celebrate the holiday together with a huge feast.
I wish there were plans to go out and visit those who couldn’t make it to our place, so we could exchange gifts and be together on Christmas Day.
I wish the people in my life understood why Christmas is so difficult for me. I’m not trying to ruin the holiday for anyone, I’m not being rude by turning down an invitation to attend a Christmas party, and I don’t think it’s odd that I don’t put up a tree or buy presents.
I wish people understood that being out in large groups at this time of year is virtually impossible for me. I’d love for people to visit me in my home where I feel safe, confident, and can let down my guard. I wouldn’t even mind heading out in a one on one situation, but I simply can’t handle being somewhere that might require me to be alone with a pack of strangers. It just brings on far too much anxiety.
I wish I wouldn’t desperately wait for an email that’s never going to arrive, a call that’s never going to be made, or a knock on the door that isn’t coming.
I wish I didn’t long so much for the love of another at Christmas, or associate the holiday with heartbreak, abandonment, and utter loneliness.
I wish Christmas wasn’t my least favorite time of the year, and that it would regain the magic it once had when my heart was still so filled with hope.
Most of all, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and that you never know what it’s like to feel this way about a holiday that brings so much joy to so many people.
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The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Hi Austin,
Not everyone has a “Merry Christmas”. Many people have dysfunctional families or no families. For many people, the holiday season is a time of loneliness. Many people dread the holiday season.
Janice
I am one of them. Thanks for reading. 🙂
You are not alone in this situation.
I didn’t think I was, but I almost wish I were because I hate thinking that anyone else feels like I do on Christmas…
Do you think it would be better to be with a dysfunctional family or no family?
No family. At least this way, I can avoid the stress and have the option to find a better group with which to surround myself. My family is very dysfunctional…
I am like you. Thanks for the perspective.
You are welcome. Merry Christmas, Janice!
And to you.
Anytime you want to talk about dysfunctional families or being sad at Christmas, I’m here for you…
I am here for you too if ever you want to talk. You have no idea to what extent you are preaching to the choir. Truly, I understand.
This is good to know. Are you having an ok Christmas?
My husband is here, but he is bedridden. My daughters are here but they are fighting… My brother forgot my name. I’m seeing my mom tonight but we usually argue.
J
I’m so sorry. I might be alone, but at least I have peace and stress levels are low. Can you get out of the house for a break?
No need. I distract myself with blogging tasks. I bet you do too. An online community is still a community.
Very true. I’m also watching the Knicks game, which is a major distraction in and of itself. 🙂
😊👍
Consider befriending people who do not observe Christmas, and spending time with them during the holidays. There would be no expectations of sharing Christmas cheer or exchanging gifts. It may relieve the pressure and loneliness.
I can give that a shot. Unfortunately, I’m really missing the person I was supposed to be spending Christmas with this year, and I’d much rather be with her embracing the holiday then hiding from it yet again…
I know, but it’s time to follow a different path, Austin, even though it’s not what you want to hear.
It’s not like I’m not trying. Honest…
Is the House on the Hill in the City by the Bay? Next year let’s make plans to see a movie, or some sea lions, or find the one pagan coffee shop that is still open. I will take a train and you will wonder why I am really visiting. But, I have a secret superpower: I make people feel better. Really. And I love my friends, although I keep the circle small because I’m a private person. So let us be friends, and wish on stars, and believe in dreams. They say it’s the thought that counts, so let us begin there, that next year we will wander around together as friends.
Unfortunately, The House in the Hill is in Maine. I suppose that might be a little too far for you to travel. I was just reading your blog, so I would definitely be interested in being friends. 🙂
I always think of Maine as Stephen King country! Still, nothing is impossible, although I doubt that sea lions are lounging about like they do in San Francisco. Let’s be friends. 😊
No one is lounging in Maine right now. It’s too damn cold. Fine, let’s be friends. Shall we email now? 🙂
What beautiful manners. Send me a message if and when you like, although be forewarned that when I am working, I am a terrible correspondent. But I’m currently on holiday. 😊
Good to know. Lucky you to be on holiday. I’m back to the office tomorrow…
volunteer to be with others who have less or don’t want to be alone, it will fill you up.
I’m not exactly looking to be filled up. I want the things on my wish list. I’m a good boy all year, so shouldn’t I get my Christmas wish? 🙂
I’ve got an idea for you: come live in Israel! No Christmas, no New Year’s Eve to feel all awkward and lonely while everyone else is having a great time! 😉 You might have to deal with Passover though, but at least no one expects that to be fun 😛
I’ll put it on my list of things to consider in 2017… 🙂