2017 Promises Not To Suck

Baby New Year, Father Time, Happy New Year, New Year's Eve, New Year's Resolutions, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherIn a hastily called news conference just hours before the Times Square ball drop, Father Time promised that 2017 will not suck like 2016 did, Modern Philosophers.

“I resolve that the @#$% stops with me, and Baby New Year will bring a clean slate of 365 days filled with hope, promise, and positive outcomes,” Father Time declared and then let out a weary sigh.

When pressed on how 2017 would suck less, a clearly rattled Time tugged on his beard, threw his arms in the air, and shouted, “Obviously, there’s not enough beloved celebrities left alive for 2017 to top 2016’s body count, so Baby New Year has already got that going for him.”

The old man then snatched up his scythe, swung it threateningly in the direction of the press corps, and stormed off stage as questions and insults were hurled at him.

Just when we thought it was safe to go about our business, Father Time jumped back on the stage and screamed, “You can’t #$%^&*@ hang Trump on me, you miserable @#$%^&*()#$!  You’re the ones who didn’t get out the vote.  You let them run Hillary instead of Bernie!  You’re the ones you came up with the @#$%^&* Electoral College!  What a bunch of @#$%^&* idiots!”

At that point, several large, angry, well-armed security guards stormed the stage, relieved Father Time of his scythe, and dragged him kicking, screaming, and biting out of our view.

Father Time, Baby New Year, Happy New Year, New Year's Eve, New Year's Resolutions, humor, satire, year in review, Modern PhilosopherSeemed quite the fitting way for 2016, the year that simply didn’t want to stop @#$%^& with us, to say goodbye.

Later, a spokesperson for Baby New Year took the stage to apologize for Father Time’s behavior your and to share a special message from The Babe.

“Baby New Year resolves to make 2017 the best year possible, given the fact that Donald Trump will be President of the United States.  He can assure you that 2017 can’t possibly be any worse than 2016, but he will not rest until 2017 proves to be unforgettable for all the right reasons.  Finally, Baby New Year gives you his solemn promise that he will never flip out and go bat @#$% crazy like Father Time did a few minutes ago.”

While I felt uncomfortable with the way Donald Trump loomed ominously over the press conference and the upcoming new year, Baby New Year did have a point.

There really is no way 2017 could be any worse than the year that (thankfully) ends tonight.  Unless, of course, President Trump starts a nuclear war.  If that happens, then we are obviously going to have a ton of celebrity deaths seeing as how Southern California would be an obvious target for incoming nukes.

Times Square, ball drop, Happy New Year, New Year's Eve, Baby New Year, Father Time, Donald Trump, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherBut if you choose to remain positive and take an adorable baby in a diaper and a top hat at his word, then 2017 will be a year of great things.

So go out tonight and celebrate, Modern Philosophers.  We’ve survived yet another journey around the sun, and the odds are in our favor that life will get better.

And if 2017 turns out to suck, you can take it up with Father Time next New Year’s Eve.  Maybe by that time, they will have come up with some meds to mellow him out, or someone will have the foresight to take away his scythe before the press conference.

Happy New Year!  See you in 2017!

Make it your New Year’s Resolution to follow me on this blog and on Pinterest.  If you do that, 2017 is guaranteed to rock!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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10 Responses to 2017 Promises Not To Suck

  1. Louise says:

    Austin my man you done it again…brilliant reporing on Father Times’ dilemma and the desire to always see the world through ‘ younger’ eyes… Father Time is right. This year could not be any worse…..( knock on wood)😜 . Hope you have a good day.

  2. The Guat says:

    Yes I’m hoping 2017 will suck less but seeing how November was disastrous and an orange Darth Vader will be at the head of this Divided States Death Star, I find solace that the resistance has begun on planet California. 🙂 Hope for a better education system, a cleaner Earth, justice for Native Peoples, and fair wages for middle class will be led by our new Jedi Harris and throughout our galaxy with Bernie our Grandmaster Yoda 🙂 The Force is still strong with that Jedi. And even though 2017 will suck, I look to the Rebels (aka those with common sense like half of America) like Bernie, to make it suck less 🙂 and I have faith that humor will lessen the blow. Perhaps Jon Stewart will make an appearance, like an Obi-Wan hologram. Have a great New Year!!! Definitely great post!

  3. Trump….speaking of the Baby of the New Year. Happy 2017 to you my Sensei. ~~dru~~

  4. The Hook says:

    There will be good times ahead, followed by bad.
    Such is life.
    At least we know there will always be laughter.

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