Machetes & Werewolves

Friday the 13th, werewolves, Jason Voorhees, Maine, full moon, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt’s Friday the 13th and there’s a full moon, Modern Philosophers.  That means Maine’s Werewolves are running wild on the very day that Jason Voorhees is loose on yet another killing spree.

While there hasn’t been a new Friday the 13th flick in years (or a good entry in the franchise for decades!), everyone knows that Jason still roams the woods of Maine looking for new victims.

Luckily, Mainers know not to wander the Western Woods when Friday falls on the thirteenth day of the month.

Jason has to claim his victims these days from lost tourists, incredibly stupid campers, and The Machete Militia.  The latter being a group of devoted Voorhees fans, who purposely camp out in the Western Woods and fornicate in plain sight in hopes of luring the serial killer in the hockey mask to murder them.

What can I say, Modern Philosophers?  Even people in Maine are freaky.

No news yet on Jason’s body count, but the bodies don’t usually start piling up until after 9:00, which was the traditional “lights out” time at Camp Crystal Lake.  I’m sure I will have plenty of gruesome details to report to you on Maine’s twisted version of The Hunger Games tomorrow.

What’s making this Friday the 13th even more fun, of course, is a guest appearance by the full moon.  This means that Maine’s Werewolf population is out in full force, and it’s a wild night for them to be on the prowl.

Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th, werewolves, full moon, Maine, humor, Modern PhilosopherNot only is Maine’s serial killer in residence making the rounds, but we are also experiencing some pretty freaky weather.

It was 47 degrees this morning when I left for work, and temps are supposed to plummet to 5 degrees by the time Old Man Voorhees gives his machete a workout.

We are experiencing gale force winds, and it’s only supposed to get colder.  What effect does this extreme weather have on Maine’s Werewolves?

“We can’t even feel it,” Gary Lincoln, the Leader of Maine’s largest wolf pack explained last night before he turned.  “When we are running wild, howling at the moon, and living life as only Werewolves can experience it, we don’t notice much other than the movement of the rest of the pack and the moon’s pull.”

Gary’s Deep Thoughts might have been enhanced by the joint he was smoking to celebrate the full moon and the fact that recreational marijuana use is now legal in Maine.

“I am hoping, though, that we run into Jason during our journey,” Lincoln confessed.  “I’ve always wanted to see how bad ass Mr. Hockey Face is when he’s up against a pack of Werewolves, rather than just a bunch of horny teenagers.”

Well, tonight’s the night we very might finally get the answer to the age old philosophical question:  Who would win in a fight…Jason or a Werewolf?

“Put your money on the wolf pack, Austin!” Lincoln assured me.  “Maine Werewolves are friends to all humans and Other Worldly Beings, unless they do harm to others.  When that’s the case, we will tear any threat to shreds.”

Friday the 13th, Jason, werewolves, winter in Maine, full moon, humor, winter winds, Modern PhilosopherI’m not sure how you are celebrating Friday the 13th in your neck of the woods, but in Maine, we’re just straining to hear the comforting howls of the Werewolves over the annoying roar of the winter winds.

For the gamblers out there, the over/under on Jason’s body count for tonight is 13.

The odds are also 11-1 that a Werewolf kills Jason, and 100-1 that Jason takes out of Werewolf.  Place your bets now before it’s too late.

Have a happy and safe Friday the 13th!

Howl like a Werewolf and follow me on Pinterest, or Jason might pay you a visit this evening!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Machetes & Werewolves

  1. Pingback: Machetes & Werewolves — The Return of the Modern Philosopher | gramirezblog

  2. You have a very lyrical way of writing, meshing the fantastical with the mundane into a masterpiece.

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