You know the neighbor I mean. The one with the band that practices in his garage every night. Really late.
They play covers that sound nothing like the originals, but more like a couple of cats in heat going at it after partaking in far too much catnip.
You’ve secretly called the cops with noise complaints on this neighbor, and he pretends not to know while you politely ask him for info on the band’s upcoming gigs.
You have two dreams: that this neighbor will move very far away sometime soon, or that he will suddenly come to his senses, realize that he has absolutely no musical talent, and quit the band.
Or course, we both know there are other dreams that are much more violent and cruel, but you never mention those to anyone so they never have to testify against you in court.
But now Donald Trump has gone and crushed those dreams. By hiring your neighbor’s band to play at his inauguration on Friday, he has assured that the tone deaf freak down the street will never give up his dream.
And there’s no way he’s going to move out of his lucky garage. He’s just going to quit his day job so he can practice day and night as the notoriety from the “Trump Gig”, as he will annoyingly refer to it for all eternity, will lead to more opportunities for the band.
Hell, he’s probably going to be inspired to write original tunes now, and I bet he comes to you for feedback. He’ll sit on your porch, invading your personal space, thrashing out off key chords on his brand new guitar (the Trump Gig paid for it!), and screeching lyrics that not only make no sense, but also cause your ears to bleed.
The worst part of it all, well except maybe for the horrible music, is that you did nothing to deserve this fate. You didn’t vote for Trump, you didn’t ask your neighbor to move in to the Anderson place (remember how sweet and quiet they were?) after they retired and left for Florida, and you certainly didn’t force the music business’ top acts (or even the lesser known ones) to boycott Trump’s inauguration.
But someone had to provide entertainment for our new President on his special day, and somehow, your neighbor’s band’s demo tape ended up in the right hands, and now you’ll never know peace and quiet again.
Maybe there’s a bright side to all this.
Perhaps the band’s newfound fame will raise property values. Maybe having all those news trucks constantly parked on your block to cover the band’s practices will scare away potential burglars. There’s always the chance Trump will love the inauguration performance so much that he insists on the band moving to DC to become the White House’s official band in residence.
Because you’re definitely not going to be able to sleep ever again.
Keep on rockin’ in the free world, Modern Philosophers. If it’s any comfort, I’m sure President Trump will be responsible for far worse things over the course of his term.
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