Ever since my divorce, there have been two types of silences at The House on the Hill. There’s the one that means all is well and the introvert in me can enjoy the day in peace, and then there’s the calm before the storm that warns me of impending danger on the horizon.
There used to be a third type of silence, and that was when my ex-wife gave me the silent treatment for reasons that were not always conveyed.
Then again, how could they be conveyed in silence?
I was really enjoying reading my book in silence.
It’s usually not quiet enough on a Sunday for me to string together a few coherent thoughts, let alone devour several chapters of a real page turner, but by some miracle, the cone of silence had been lowered today.
And it was glorious.
But my gut told me this was the second form of silence, so against my better judgment, I put down my book and looked over at my guest, who stood at the front window.
As always, he wore an impeccably tailored suit, but today it was slightly wrinkled and looked like it had seen better days. His hair, which was always perfectly slicked back, was out of place in spots and needed a new coat of oil.
Something was definitely wrong because nothing outside my window was exciting enough to hold his attention for that long. Unless, of course, my neighbor was picking weeds in her front garden in short shorts, but it was much too cold for that today.
“I’m fine,” The Devil replied in a manner that was in no way convincing.
However, it suited my needs, so I took a sip of my Snapple and then went back to reading.
Then he sighed heavily enough to shake the glass of the window in front of him.
I closed my eyes and leaped into the Hell fire.
“Come on, you’re clearly not alright,” I insisted. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Lucifer turned away from the window and shrugged. “I think I’ve been hanging out with you for too long. I’m beginning to develop feelings and actually care about the world.”
I reached into the cooler, pulled out a bottle of Snapple, and held it out to him. The Prince of Darkness walked over, took the bottle, and sat down on his end of the couch.
“I can’t believe the things going on out there,” he explained after taking a long sip of the best stuff on earth. “So much civil unrest, bans on immigrants entering the country, threats of walls being built, women marching in protest, and President Trump has only been in office for just over a week.”
“He has been very busy,” I agreed. “Without even inventing a time machine, Trump’s managed to set this country back a couple hundred years in only ten days. Even Doc Brown would be impressed by that warped sort of time travel.”
My witty comment did not urge a smile onto Satan’s handsome face. In fact, his features grew even more grim.
“The worst part of it, is that I’m pissed off for more selfish reasons,” The Devil admitted. “I’m supposed to be the most malevolent force in the universe, but Trump is definitely coming across as more evil. Hell, he’s so deep on the Dark Side that me makes Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine look like proper Jedi Knights.”
“Darth Orange has caused a great disturbance in the Force,” I joked in my best Darth Vader voice.
“People are at Bangor International Airport right now protesting Trump’s ban on immigrants,” Lucifer informed me. “If anyone is going to disturb my former boss’ day of rest, it should be me. Not some flashy businessman with no filter, who’s never gone to war with an army of Angels, and declares bankruptcy whenever a higher power threatens to cast him out of his version of Heaven.”
The Prince of Darkness got up and began to pace. This was not good. You should never poke the bear, especially not one who is immortal and has horns and a pitchfork.
“What are you going to do?” I asked in panic, worried that my bad Darth Vader imitation had somehow set in motion the End of Days.
“I’m going to the airport to join the protests!” Satan declared as he slicked back his hair so that it was perfect again. “I’m not going to let a clown out evil The Devil!”
And with that, he was gone.
I took a long sip of Snapple, put my feet up on the table, and went back to reading my book in peace.
As the country crumbled around me…
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