Maybe I’ve got Cat Scratch Fever after Luna bit me last night and drew enough blood to make The House on the Hill look like a crime scene, but I had the silliest idea pop into my head as I was getting ready for work.
I was wearing my Darth Vader tee shirt, and it inspired me to come up with this deleted scene from the original Star Wars Trilogy.
Now I must share it with you…
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, an Imperial Star Destroyer was making its way across the stars on the way to enslave another planet.
With not much to do at this moment in their journey, several stormtroopers had gathered in a quiet corridor to slack off while there were no bosses around to order them to work.
As luck would have it, an Imperial Officer turned down the corridor and came upon the men before they could all snap to attention.
“What’s going on here?” the officer demanded.
“Nothing, sir,” the stormtrooper closest to him replied. “We were just going over our assignments for the day.”
The officer studied the men, slowly making his way along the corridor to stare down every last one of them in as intimidating a way as possible.
Sensing he had them all wetting themselves inside their armor, he suddenly smiled. “Relax. I don’t care if you’re standing around doing nothing,” he assured them in his friendliest voice. “What else are you supposed to do on these insanely long, boring jaunts across the galaxy?”
It took a moment, but the stormtroopers finally relaxed and let down their guard. A few of them even chuckled.
“It’s not like I’m Lord Vader,” the officer continued with cockiness now that he felt he had won over the men. “Skulking around here, babbling on about The Force, and getting all pissy if someone doesn’t cower in fear before him.”
Some nervous laughter from the men.
Doing a horrible Darth Vader imitation he bellowed, “I am the baddest bad ass in the galaxy. I wear black not because I’m evil, but because I’m vain and know that it’s very slimming. Cower before me, or I will bore you to death with tales of an ancient black magic that supposedly makes me indispensable to the Emperor, who is really just my secret man crush. Don’t run from me, though, because I’ve got this weird breathing issue and I won’t be able to chase after you.”
The stormtroopers, who had been giggling, suddenly became incredibly quiet.
“Major Cushing, I find your horrible imitation of me deeply disturbing,” Darth Vader bellowed.
The young officer’s entire body trembled with fear.
“Lord Vader, I was merely trying to humor the men during this long journey,” Major Cushing squeaked because his vocal cords were almost completely paralyzed with fear.
Vader stepped closer to the officer, towering over him, as the stormtroopers watched in absolute silence.
“You might not believe in my so called ancient black magic, but I could give you a demonstration that would make you a true believer for the few seconds you had left to live,” Vader threatened.
“That would not be necessary, my Lord,” the terrified man whispered.
“Report to Human Resources immediately!” Darth Vader commanded. “Tell them you have been sent for sensitivity training for making fun of a fellow employee with a disability. Go now before I man crush your wind pipe with my old black magic!”
Cushing sprinted off before anyone could see his tears.
“Let that be a lesson to you all!” Vader directed his attention to the stormtroopers, who stood there in dumbfounded silence. “The Empire will not tolerate insubordination from anyone, regardless of his rank. Am I clear?”
The stormtroopers nodded without much enthusiasm.
“I asked if I was clear!” Vader yelled so loudly that the walls shook.
“Yes, Lord Vader!” they barked back in unison.
“Major Cushing only wears that uniform because his father is a high ranking official on a planet that the Emperor deems of the utmost importance,” Vader informed them. “I could not make him a stormtrooper because his aim was even worse than any of yours. The man sickens me, but I obey the Emperor’s every command. As must all of you.”
“Yes, Lord Vader!” the stormtroopers barked once again.
“And what’s with the way his voice rose ten octaves when he realized I was standing behind him and his Daddy wasn’t around to bail him out this time?” Vader asked mockingly. “I sensed a disturbance in the Force, and I’m pretty sure it was in Major Cushing’s boxers. Am I right? I was definitely thrilled to have this mask and filter to protect me from what I suspect was one extremely ripe stench.”
The stormtroopers stared at Vader in utter confusion.
Not needing to be told twice, the stormtroopers marched off at double time in the opposite direction from which Cushing had fled.
Now all alone in the corridor, Darth Vader let out a chuckle. “Some days, I really love being the boss!”
Whistling the Imperial March, Vader strode off to take care of some mundane paperwork.
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