I will give that a moment to sink in…
The interns, who are really nothing more than an annoying pack of meddling kids, have convinced me that it’s finally time to focus on finding me a date.
However, I can’t stop wanting to help others, so this week’s dating tips post is a compromise meant to help both the readers and the writer find love.
Let me now explain why I should be your Valentine…
I am well educated, have a good job, and own a beautiful home. In other words, I’m not looking to mooch off you, I don’t need a place to crash, and I can craft an excellent argument as to why you should date me. I am my own man, and while I might need a bunch of obnoxious college kids to keep my blog running, I can hold up my end of a relationship just fine. You won’t need to fix me or take care of me. All I ask is that you love me. And maybe help me if I ever need to give the cats medicine.
I’m a hopeless romantic. This is a good one, ladies. It means I’ll surprise you with flowers for no particular reason, I’ll write you poems and short stories, I’ll serenade you just to see you smile, and I’ll never stop treating you like a princess. Hopeless romantics don’t give up and run away when the going gets tough, and they tend to shower you with love, gifts, and affection just because they can.
I can make you laugh. I’m a funny guy by nature with a quick wit, a dry sense of humor, and a Doctorate in Sarcasm. I write jokes for a late night TV show and I’m told my comedy blog is pretty popular. Laughter is still the best medicine, so you can count on me to be your private doctor, who loves to make house calls, and is always in-network with your insurance. As an added bonus, I’m incredibly clumsy, tend to do embarrassing things so often it’s like second nature, and can be a magnet for ludicrous situations. This means you can count on laughing with me and at me during our relationship.
I won’t break any mirrors. I might not be leaving you to pursue a career as a male model, but I’ll never frighten small children with my looks. You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover anyway, but I can be pleasing on the eyes in the right light and if you’ve had just a little to drink. Sure, I put on a few pounds over the winter, but once it gets warm, I’m always out there running to burn off the weight. And these long runner’s legs are quite a treat once it’s shorts weather.
Writing keeps me out of trouble. You don’t have to worry about me getting into trouble with the guys, staying out ’til the wee hours of the morning, or ever calling in the middle of the night asking to be bailed out of jail. I’m a writer, so when I have any free time, I’m someplace quiet with my laptop, typing up the stories that the voices in my head never stop dictating to me. I’ll always base the female leads in my stories on you. Writers have amazing imaginations, which can come in really handy in a relationship (use your imagination to figure out how).
Ask me anything about Star Wars, Zombies, or Time Travel. I’m a bottomless ocean of knowledge when it comes to these three very important topics, so you’ll never have your questions go unanswered again. I’m sure you’re already looking forward to the romantic nights we will spend together talking about these things, and I don’t blame you. Just don’t tell your friends how much I know because they will start unfairly comparing their men to me, and I don’t want to ruin any relationships.
I’m tall. Height is awesome. I look imposing. You’ll be able to wear heels without worrying about towering over me. I can reach all those high cabinets in the kitchen you have been unable access without a stepladder. No more problems with getting the star on top of the Christmas tree. I’m easy to find if we get separated in a crowd. Piggyback rides will be more enjoyable than they’ve ever been.
My Brooklyn accent is quite intriguing. I generally keep my Brooklyn accent well hidden, but it does come out when I’m excited, angry, or want to make an impression. Think of the hours of fun you’ll have asking me to say things in my accent, and then getting me to make prank phone calls to people you want to intimidate. Imagine what it would sound like for me to say, “I’d like to order some water for my daughter Dawn.” Anytime you get bored with Maine Austin, just ask to spend some time with Brooklyn Austin. It’s like having two awesome boyfriends without cheating.
I’d be awesome. You’d be able to tell everyone your boyfriend is awesome. Awesome Austin to be precise!
If the writing thing works out, I’ll be rich. There’s potential for a lot of money and fame if I sell a couple of screenplays, publish a novel, or get some of my TV shows on the air. Not that I want you to love me just for my money, but I’m not going to keep you from fantasizing about the possibilities…
I’m pretty skilled with a snow shovel. Fourteen winters in Maine will force a guy to become quite the master of his snow shovel. I can honestly say I know how to use my shovel like an expert. Don’t worry about that blizzard. You’ll never have to dig out your car again, shovel your sidewalk, or hire someone to plow your driveway. I’ll happily plow you for free!
I’ve had all my shots. The doc says I’m safe to take home right now as is!
I really just want some chocolate on Valentine’s Day. If for no other reason, I should be your Valentine because I really want some chocolate, and I’m trying very hard not to buy it for myself. But if you were to give it to me on Valentine’s Day, there’s no way I could say no to such a delicious, thoughtful gift.
If anyone is interested in asking me to be her Valentine, please feel free to do so in the comments section. I look forward to hearing from you!
Even if you don’t want me to be your Valentine, you can still show a little love by following me on my blog and on Pinterest…