Hillary Consoles Falcons After Massive Super Bowl Choke

Hillary Clinton, Atlanta Falcons, New England Patriots, Super Bowl 51, biggest choke in sports history, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherIt’s something of a tradition, Modern Philosophers, for the winners of the Super Bowl to get a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

While I’m curious to know what President Trump might have said to Tom Brady (My wife is hotter than yours???), I’ve always wondered who called to console the losers.

Now we know.

Shortly after the Atlanta Falcons completed the biggest choke in Super Bowl history, the phone rang in their locker room.   Quarterback Matt Ryan got up to answer it.

The caller was someone very familiar with letting a big lead slip away and losing on the biggest stage while millions watched the collapse in shock.

“This is Hillary Clinton,” the familiar voice informed the Falcons’ star.  “I’ve been exactly where you are now, I know how you feel, and all I can say is that the world will eventually forget about your failure because someone else will screw up even worse and take the spotlight off you.”

What the former Secretary of State so diplomatically did not say to a team teetering on the edge of the deepest abyss was that the Falcons were her saviors from the spotlight.

Now choking of the grandest scale will be associated with the Falcons from Atlanta, rather than with the Democrat from New York.

At least that’s what Clinton hopes.

Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons, Super Bowl, choke, Hillary Clinton, humor, satire, Modern Philosopher“At the moment, you can’t comprehend how you didn’t win,” Clinton explained to the team via speakerphone.  “You had victory in your grasp.  You were fantasizing about holding that trophy high for all the world to see.  You were picturing yourself in the Oval Office telling Putin to go to hell…”

After an awkward silence, which wasn’t so bad since most of the Falcons thought Putin was the Patriots’ punter, the first woman to almost be President of the United States, brought it home for the NFC Champions.

“It hurts right now, but eventually, the pain will fade.  And when you look back it at, you will have these amazing memories of a fantastic journey that fell just inches short of the dream you’ve had ever since you were a child.”

“Sure, you’ll second guess yourself.  Of course, you’ll want to build a time machine to go back and play it out differently.  Maybe you’ll just want to disappear into the woods and avoid other people for a while.  All that is natural,” Clinton told them reassuringly.

Super Bowl, Atlanta Falcons, New England Patriots, Hillary Clinton, biggest chokes in history, satire, humor, Modern Philosopher“One day, you’ll wake up and not even care.  You’ll be relieved that the pressure is gone and you can just live your life again.  Let the winner deal with the constant questions, stress, and demands of a society that is never satisfied.  Do you really think Brady and Belichick are going to get that stupid wall built?  Come on.  It’s just ridiculous!”

When asked later if Secretary Clinton’s words inspired them, the Falcons all said basically the same thing as they headed to the team bus.

Head Coach Dan Quinn summed it up the best, though:  “Hillary made us realize that we weren’t the biggest chokers in history.  We lost to Tom Brady and the Patriots, a team with an overwhelming amount of experience.  She lost to a reality TV host with zero political experience.  She will always be the ultimate choker.  We appreciate her helping us to see that on what could’ve been a really dark day for everyone on this team.”

The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Hillary Clinton will help them kick off the 2017 season by handling the ceremonial coin toss at their first home game.

Good to see that things are finally looking up for her…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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7 Responses to Hillary Consoles Falcons After Massive Super Bowl Choke

  1. stomperdad says:

    Brilliant insight. I’d rather lose to Tom Brady than Donald Trump!

  2. Didi Oviatt says:

    Hahaha OMG this is hillarious 😂😂. .. thanks for the laugh.. I even read it out loud to my husband… and trumps is definitely the hottest lol

  3. Jennifer says:

    Clinton had the FBI throw her under the bus for no reason at all just days from the election and the Falcon’s had their owner jinx them by not staying put in his box until the game was over. He was on the field getting ready to celebrate a win when the Patriots ran the bus over them.

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