With yet another Executive Order, President Trump has relieved Cupid of his annual duties and put Creepy Guy Leering At You From The End Of The Bar, and all around White House Swiss Army Knife, Steve Bannon, in charge of helping people find love on February 14.
While it might not seem like the most logical choice for such a key position, why would the President suddenly switch gears and start making sense?
Of course, the White House Press Corps wanted to know what had spurred President Trump into make such an “intriguing” decision.
Had he suddenly run out of nations to threaten? Was there a brick shortage preventing the start of construction on the wall? Did Saturday Night Live say something mean about him again and Twitter just didn’t provide the proper relief?
Luckily, White House Press Secretary, and Angry Guy You Always Try To Avoid At Office Parties, Sean Spicer, was available to provide some answers.
“President Trump decided that there needed to be a change, people. That’s all there is to it,” Spicer growled before anyone could even ask a question. “This is what a new President does. He shakes things up. Gets rid of the last guy’s people and brings in his own.”
“Why do you people always got to do this?” Spicer fired back. “President Trump says Cupid was Obama’s man, so that means he was Obama’s man. Simple as that.”
Does Steve Bannon have any set agenda in his new role?
“Yeah, he does,” Spicer snapped. “His job is to make sure the fatties and the uggos don’t end up with the beautiful people just because they’ve got some charm and maybe a sense of humor. Cupid was doing that kinda thing all the time, and that’s why America is in the shape it’s in now. You can’t make America great again if you let anyone under an eight hook up with the nines and tens. It’s basic arithmetic, people.”
With that logic in mind, would Steve Bannon ever have allowed President Trump and The First Lady to end up together?
“You’re kidding me, right?” Spicer howled into his microphone. “President Trump is a definite ten, and I know you’re not saying Mrs. Trump is anything less than a nine. If you are, I will come down there right now and fight you. I don’t care that you’re a woman!”
Steve Bannon was not available for comment, as he generally doesn’t like to appear in public while the sun is still out.
However, Spicer did shoot down rumors that Bannon would be wearing a diaper in his new position. He did not, however, rule out that a crossbow would be involved.
What could possibly go wrong with this scenario, Modern Philosophers? Don’t forget to send a box of chocolates to the Electoral College to thank them on Valentine’s Day!
Would you be my Valentine and follow me on my blog and on Pinterest? If you don’t, I might have to tell Steve Bannon on you!