Lately, people have been asking if I’m trying to date, and I just laugh. I mean, who in their right mind would want to start a relationship during the winter?
Winter is not dating season. In fact, it is the worst season in which to try to meet someone and fall in love.
With this post, I’m going to explain why that is, and also try to dissuade you from jumping on the relationship sled when the weather outside is frightful.
Winter Wonderland is a lie shoved down our throats by Big Christmas. All the Christmas songs make it sound like walking in a Winter Wonderland is an absolute blast, when in reality, no one wants to be walking in the snow with the wind howling and temperatures hovering near zero.
Who wants to go out in that kind of weather? Are you really going to spend half an hour digging out the car, chipping all the ice off the windshield, trying to get the car started, and then driving on roads that are slippery and poorly lit just to get a drink with someone with whom you might end up having absolutely zero chemistry?
Animals have the right idea. We should hibernate all winter and then wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the dating world in the spring.
No one looks good after unraveling all those layers of clothes. Do you really want your date’s first impression of you to be however the hell you look after you take off your hat, unravel the scarf, peel off the winter coat and then the fleece, untuck your pants from your boots, and lose your gloves?
You’re probably an unholy mess with your hair sticking up all over the place from static cling, snot slowly running from your nose, and sweat staining your shirt because your sweat glands freaked out from all the layers and the nerves of going on a first date.
And what does she look like? I bet whatever she’s wearing isn’t nearly as cute and revealing as what she’d have on if you asked her out on a hot summer night, genius.
Your snowman gets Frosty. You know it’s true, guys. The cold freezes the pipes and can cause your North Pole to experience shrinkage. You might not be able to hibernate during the winter, but your libido certainly can. Do you really want to be wearing your birthday suit when a snowsuit is far more appropriate and definitely warmer?
Should your first Christmas together really happen after only a week? How are you going to know what to get her? How will you learn her family’s Christmas customs and traditions in time? And do you want to be responsible for starting off her new year perfectly when you hardly know her? Are you willing to spring for a tux and an expensive night out on what might only be a third or fourth date?
Need I even need mention Valentine’s Day? Your date might see that as the most romantic day of the year, but if you are still getting to know her, how are you going to ace it? She will remember Valentine’s Day all year long, so if you screw it up, even slightly, you will never hear the end of it. No pressure, dude. No pressure whatsoever.
Of course, you’ve totally forgotten about Super Bowl Sunday, haven’t you? Yeah, you did. Are you ready to spend Men’s High Holy Day with someone new? What if she doesn’t even like football? Worse yet, what if she peppers you with questions for the entire game? What if she doesn’t approve of your traditional Super Bowl food spread and tries to get you to enjoy healthy snacks instead? What have you gotten yourself into?
Getting snowed in is far too risky. With the kind of winters we have in Maine, there’s always the risk that you could end up stranded with your date. The roads could be closed, your car might not start, the power could be out.
If that’s the case, you are stranded with your date for hours, if not overnight. If the date isn’t going well, you are suddenly trapped on the nightmare date that will not end.
If you are unsure where the relationship is headed, you could be forced into making a decision you’re not ready to make because it’s a tiny apartment, there’s only one bed, there’s no heat, and you need to stay warm. Let’s face it, you still don’t know her that well, and for all your know, this “Oh no, we’re stranded!” scenario could be something premeditated that your serial killer date has used countless times before to quench her blood lust for slow, painful, horrible murder.
“I’d be happy to plow you” always gets taken the wrong way. You, too, might have been raised by The Nuns to be a proper gentleman, so when your date laments that she has to clear her long, steep driveway every time it snows, you’re automatically going to volunteer to plow her.
Of course, you mean that quite literally, as in you will use the plow on your vehicle to clear her driveway of snow. However, she’s going to freak out, think that you meant it in a lewd, sexual way, and throw her drink in your face. Then she’ll make this horrible scene that will cause everyone in the restaurant to look at you and assume you are a crude, rude, sexual predator with no sense of morals.
So now this date is a total loss. You want to get out of the restaurant without it escalating. The night ends up costing more because you totally bump up the tip in an attempt to win back the favor of the cute waitress who was flirty at first, but now looks at you like you murdered her pet bunny. You realize that every woman in the place is now no longer a dating option because of what she thinks she witnessed here tonight.
All because you tried to be a nice guy.
Chicks dig Snow Miser. Let’s be honest, Modern Philosophers. The main reason you never date during the winter is because the ladies all love Snow Miser, and there is no way you can compete with him. He’s just too much.
Heat Miser, on the other hand, is a complete pig and misogynist. You definitely have a chance against him.
In conclusion, there’s no point in trying to date during the winter. You’re better off saving yourself the time, stress, and money. Spend the winter working on you, so when the first sign of spring arrives, you are ready to jump back into the dating game feet first.
For now, warm those feet in front of the fire and read a good book. You’ll thank me later.
One last bit of advice: follow me on my blog and on Pinterest. Doing so will exponentially increase your chances of being successful in the dating game.