In case you forgot about the holiday, don’t worry. It will be coming around again much sooner than usual.
As in tomorrow.
President Trump signed a new Executive Order today declaring that every day is now President’s Day.
“President’s Day is a huge holiday that seems to get forgotten because it’s lumped in with school vacation and Valentine’s Day,” Trump addressed the White House Press Corps himself as Sean Spicer stood in the corner, arms crossed, and pouting like a child sent to bed without his milk and cookies.
“Arbor Day, Flag Day, Columbus Day…these are holidays, too,” he continued. “They all get one day on the calendar, which makes them seem just as important as President’s Day. But they’re not. Since when is a tree as important as the leader of the free world? I mean, I like the flag, but come on. Not as important as the Commander in Chief.”
“So that’s why I’ve signed an Executive Order declaring that every day of the year is going to be President’s Day!”
He paused here as if expecting a rousing round of applause to fill the room. It did not. The reporters just listened in confused silence, while Sean Spicer mumbled something rude under his breath.
“And President’s Day, which is now huge, the biggest holiday of all, more important than even Christmas, is not a celebration of the twenty or thirty men who held this office before me. They can still have their one day in February. I don’t care. I’m not petty that way. They should be remembered as the men who came before me, the President who made America Great again!”
“President’s Day, the new, year long holiday will be celebrating me, Donald Trump. President Trump to you, of course,” Trump reminded them all with a huge grin.
“When I was kid, I asked my father why there was a Father’s Day and a Mother’s Day, but no Kid’s Day. You want to know what he told me? He said every day was Kid’s Day. Then he ruffled my hair, gave me ten thousand dollars, and told me to run along and buy myself a candy store. Great guy my Dad. Great guy.”
President Trump then went on to explain that he expected presents to be delivered to the White House every day in celebration of President’s Day.
“I promised you I would create new jobs, and if the American people send me Happy President’s Day gifts every day of the year as I’ve suggested, we’ll have to keep the post offices open on Sundays, and hire more postal workers to deliver my presents. Then, of course, they’ll be more jobs at the wrapping paper plant, and the factories that make bows and ribbons for packages. Everything made in America. And all for me!”
“During this afternoon’s press briefing, I’ll have Spicer read you a list of all the places I’ve registered for President’s Day gifts,” Trump promised. “I expect you to actually report this and hold off on your fake news for at least one day. It can be your first President’s Day gift to me. Even though we all know I deserve better.”
Remember all those who came before our forty-fifth President, Modern Philosophers. It might make you appreciate our forty-sixth President even more.
And don’t forget, since tomorrow is President’s Day, there might be no school, banks might be closed, and there’s probably won’t be any garbage pick up. What a wonderful holiday this could be…
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