More strange news from the White House, Modern Philosophers. It was revealed today that the ghosts that have haunted the building for over two centuries refuse to go anywhere near it now that President Trump has taken up residence.
According to reports from multiple sources, the first spirits began to abandon the building on Pennsylvania Avenue mere days after Trump’s Inauguration.
By the end of February, the only beings still haunting the White House were President Trump, his administration, and his family.
“I won’t go back until every last person associated with that foul man have been driven from the premises,” declared Archibald Tebbetts, a ghost that began haunting the White House during Lincoln’s Presidency. “The things that come out of his mouth are not fit for the ears of the living or the dead!”
Abigail Parsons, the ghost of an intern who mysteriously vanished during one of FDR’s terms told this Modern Philosopher, “It’s Trump’s children who frighten me the most. Their eyes are so dead. They never blink. They glide down the corridors and communicate with each other without speaking. It’s beyond unnerving.”
When pressed, however, Parsons’ ghost did confess that President Trump scared her almost as much as his Children of the Corn offspring.
“The man will be the end of us all!” she shrieked so loudly that it rattled the windows in the interview room.
Legend has it that the ghosts traditionally leave the living alone unless they are not a fan of the man in the Oval Office.
“We drove Nixon crazy!” boasted Tommy Blatz, a ghost from the Eisenhower era. “I truly believe he pulled that Watergate nonsense so he had an excuse to get out of the White House. How would it have looked if he told the world he had to resign because he was afraid of a bunch of ghosts? He’d rather be remembered as a crook than a kook!”
The consensus among the ghosts I interviewed was that they were not only upset at how President Trump and his supporting cast acted, but also pissed off that they were no longer the scariest beings in the joint.
“We don’t try to run the country, so they shouldn’t infringe on our duties,” explained Gertrude Holbrook, a Grover Cleveland (first term) ghost. “We’re supposed to be the ones who make the White House too scary for the feint of heart. Trump and his minions have turned it into the most frightening place on earth!”
“America does not realize how frightening Steve Bannon is,” the ghost of President John F. Kennedy told me. “Donald Trump makes me walk the halls wailing at the top of my lungs, but Steve Bannon is so scary that I’d rather spend eternity driving through Dallas in a convertible than be trapped in the White House another second with that man.”
You have to admit, that is a pretty powerful statement, Modern Philosophers.
White House Press Secretary, and part time Melissa McCarthy impersonator, Sean Spicer had this to offer to the White House Press Corps once word leaked that the ghosts had abandoned the building:
“President Trump is pleased that the ghosts have left the White House. Quite frankly, it was a crime that living, breathing Americans have been denied the job of haunting the most famous building in this great nation. President Trump will build a wall to keep out the dead so that the living can do their part to help make America great again.”
The living and dead seem to agree, Modern Philosophers, that the White House is now the scariest building in America.
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