St Patrick Vows To Drive Snakes Out Of The White House

St Patrick's Day, St Patrick, President Trump, humor, politics, satire, snakes, Modern PhilosopherForever poised to keep both Irish and American eyes smiling on the holiday that bears his name, St. Patrick held a press conference today outside of the NYC cathedral named after him to make a huge announcement, Modern Philosophers.

“It is my intention to drive the snakes out of the White House just as I drove them out of Ireland,” St. Patrick declared.  “Am I speaking of literal snakes or metaphorical ones?  I suppose we shall see, my friends.  In the meantime, may the sun always shine at your back, may the moon watch over you on sleepless nights, and may the next four years not be the longest of your life!”

After that not so traditional Irish Blessing, St. Patrick stuck around to shake hands, pose for selfies, and record outgoing voicemail messages for the adoring faithful.

While he never came right out and said that he was referring to President Trump and the members of his administration, it was understood that the snakes to which he was referring were of the Republican variety.

How could his message be interpreted any other way?

A quick check with the White House historian revealed that no actual snakes had been reported in the building since the Clinton Presidency.

A call to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer only produced a high pitched shriek and then some indecipherable yelling before the line went dead.

St Patrick's Day, St Patrick, President Trump, humor, politics, satire, snakes, Modern Philosopher“Snakes come in all shapes and sizes,” the Patron Saint of March 17th told this Modern Philosopher at an Irish pub not far from the cathedral.  “Since the Garden of Eden, man has known the snake can appear charming and promise us the world, yet we still allow it to slither close enough to sink its fangs into our flesh and fill us with its poison.”

St. Patrick then gave me a wink, tapped my pint with his, and whispered, “You totally catch what I’m saying here, right?”

He was not clear on the timetable for his quest to rid the White House of snakes, but St. Patrick did state that it would occur sometime after he marched in the parade New York was throwing in his honor tomorrow.

“A little marching in solidarity with the brothers and sister afflicted by the snakes will give me all the inspiration I need to deliver on my promise,” he assured me.  “You have my word that this shall be a St. Patrick’s Day to be remembered.

When asked about St. Patrick’s vow to clean up the White House, President Trump snickered and said that St. Patrick was a great saint who should enjoy his special day and then go back to Ireland to chase Leprechauns where he would feel more at home.

St Patrick's Day, St Patrick, President Trump, humor, politics, satire, snakes, Modern PhilosopherA short while later, the President tweeted: Green beer and shamrocks are great once a year, but don’t overstay your welcome. #ErinGoHome #NoSnakesHere #GreenWithEnvy

In response to Trump’s comments, St. Patrick merely smiled and bought a round for everyone in the pub.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, my friends!

Want to make sure these Irish eyes are smiling on St. Paddy’s Day?  Follow me on my blog and on Pinterest!

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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15 Responses to St Patrick Vows To Drive Snakes Out Of The White House

  1. The Hook says:

    The joke’s on you, Austin… Trump’s White House is full of weasels, not snakes.

  2. Louise says:

    man that was so funny yet unnervingly true and scary – the snakes bit-. happy st pats Austin. hope you and the devil have a mighty fine time tonight.

  3. daodeqi says:

    Modern Day St. Patrick: more jovial and lighthearted than ever before now that he has the Boondock Saints as snake removers

  4. Awesome. Can’t wait to see what the Devil has in store this weekend.

  5. Lutheranliar says:

    Can St. Patrick get rid of the big scary orange snake? Please?

  6. At least snakes make for great material. Remember how boring the white house used to be?

    • Austin says:

      I’ll take boring to insane any day.

      • I’m trying to look at the bright side. Since we can’t change the outcome. We could also try to learn something I suppose. Even really bad stuff can sometimes be a lesson. (Forgive me, I’m learning about positive psychology and power leads and being open to new ideas) and if all else fails, find the funny. That’s my motto. Otherwise what a drag life would be.

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