Forever poised to keep both Irish and American eyes smiling on the holiday that bears his name, St. Patrick held a press conference today outside of the NYC cathedral named after him to make a huge announcement, Modern Philosophers.
“It is my intention to drive the snakes out of the White House just as I drove them out of Ireland,” St. Patrick declared. “Am I speaking of literal snakes or metaphorical ones? I suppose we shall see, my friends. In the meantime, may the sun always shine at your back, may the moon watch over you on sleepless nights, and may the next four years not be the longest of your life!”
After that not so traditional Irish Blessing, St. Patrick stuck around to shake hands, pose for selfies, and record outgoing voicemail messages for the adoring faithful.
While he never came right out and said that he was referring to President Trump and the members of his administration, it was understood that the snakes to which he was referring were of the Republican variety.
How could his message be interpreted any other way?
A quick check with the White House historian revealed that no actual snakes had been reported in the building since the Clinton Presidency.
A call to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer only produced a high pitched shriek and then some indecipherable yelling before the line went dead.
“Snakes come in all shapes and sizes,” the Patron Saint of March 17th told this Modern Philosopher at an Irish pub not far from the cathedral. “Since the Garden of Eden, man has known the snake can appear charming and promise us the world, yet we still allow it to slither close enough to sink its fangs into our flesh and fill us with its poison.”
St. Patrick then gave me a wink, tapped my pint with his, and whispered, “You totally catch what I’m saying here, right?”
He was not clear on the timetable for his quest to rid the White House of snakes, but St. Patrick did state that it would occur sometime after he marched in the parade New York was throwing in his honor tomorrow.
“A little marching in solidarity with the brothers and sister afflicted by the snakes will give me all the inspiration I need to deliver on my promise,” he assured me. “You have my word that this shall be a St. Patrick’s Day to be remembered.
When asked about St. Patrick’s vow to clean up the White House, President Trump snickered and said that St. Patrick was a great saint who should enjoy his special day and then go back to Ireland to chase Leprechauns where he would feel more at home.
In response to Trump’s comments, St. Patrick merely smiled and bought a round for everyone in the pub.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, my friends!
Want to make sure these Irish eyes are smiling on St. Paddy’s Day? Follow me on my blog and on Pinterest!