She was absolutely perfect, showed up whenever I needed her as if she just sensed I was in trouble, and I always felt safe and happy when we were together. Let’s not forget that it takes a special kind of person to put up with me, and most likely, someone superhuman to love me.
I always suspected that she had a secret identity, but I could never work up the courage to ask. Things were going so well between us that I didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by asking too many questions.
She has since moved on, having received an incredible job offer in either Gotham City or Metropolis (I’ve blocked out exactly where she went because it hurts too much just to think about it) and to this day, I regret having never asked her if she was a Superhero.
I don’t want any of you to run into this same problem, so here are some tips to help you figure out if you’re dating a Superhero…
Does she wear glasses? For some reason, Superheroes think that putting on a pair of eyeglasses is the ultimate disguise. Seriously, guys? I wear glasses, and even without them on, I can see that I look exactly the same when they are off.
If I see a woman in glasses now, I grow incredibly suspicious. I mean, why isn’t she wearing contacts like everyone else? Does she have that weird phobia like I do about the lens slowly sliding up her eyeball and into her brain? Or is she a Superhero trying to throw us off her scent? My Spidey sense tells me it’s the latter.
I’ve always been drawn to a woman in glasses. At first, I thought it was some sort of a nerdy thing, but now I’m beginning to think that I’m attracted to Superheroes.
What’s with all the layers? Does your girlfriend, whose amazing figure is forever burned into your brain, look chunkier when she’s dressed? Why would she purposely wear outfits that are unflattering and take away from her slim, athletic physique?
Could it be that she’s wearing a second, secret outfit under the one she wants all the world to see? In other words, does she have her Superhero attire on under her clothes, forcing her to wear baggier clothing to hide what she’s got going on underneath?
Remember, capes might look cool, but they take up a lot of space and are difficult keep from detection unless you want to pass yourself off as a hunchback.
Does she have a car? It’s very suspicious if someone doesn’t have a car. Sure, I got by without one when I lived in New York, but you could get anywhere there via public transportation, and it cost a small fortune to park a car in the city.
When you live somewhere other than the big city, though, it’s close to impossible to get around without a vehicle. Everything is so spread out, there’s no subway, the bus doesn’t run that often, and it’s not like you can just whistle and hail a cab.
So if your significant other doesn’t have a car, but always seems to get where she needs to be on time and without a problem, it probably means she can fly, possesses super speed, or has an invisible jet.
Do you suspect she’s seeing someone else because she often disappears without warning and then she won’t explain where she’s been? There’s a chance she is cheating on you, so you should probably explore that more realistic option before you jump to the conclusion that she’s a Superhero.
However, if you’re certain she’s faithful and you can’t use technology to pinpoint where her phone was during these periods of “lost time”, then it could very well mean she was off fighting crime as her alter ego.
Do a little research. Does her vanishing act coincide with meteors almost destroying your city, super villains being arrested, and innocent bystanders being rescued from a certain death? If that’s the case, your sweetie was off doing the Superhero thing.
The next thing you need to ask, though, is why can’t she come clean and tell you what she was doing? Does she not trust you to keep her secret? Or worse, does she suspect you are in cahoots with the bad guys and only dating her to keep tabs on her?
Man, you guys have some serious issues to work out. Might I suggest couples therapy?
Can she open that jar of pickles? You know the jar of which I speak. It’s been sitting on that shelf in the door of your fridge for ages because you love those pickles, but you can’t for the life of you get the damn lid off to enjoy them.
Then your sweetheart decides to make you lunch because she’s super sweet and the best girlfriend over, and serves up your favorite sandwich with a side of pickles.
When you ask her where she got the pickles, she smiles, gives you a peck on the cheek, and reminds you that you’ve had that jar of pickles in the fridge forever.
Of course, you’ve never admitted why the pickles are always in there, but the fact that she served them to you with your sandwich makes you aware that she has super strength.
Does she hear everything you say and see right through you? One trait shared by all of my former girlfriends is selective hearing. They only seem to hear what they want to hear, and even if you gave them a recording of the conversation in question, they would still swear that the recording was wrong.
Let me revise my statement. All but one of my girlfriends shared that selective hearing trait. The one I thought was a Superhero heard every single thing I said, which was great most of the time, but also had its drawbacks. I have a tendency to mumble under my breath when I’m upset, and this girlfriend heard those comments clear as day as if I had blared them over the public address system.
The presence of super hearing is a sure sign that you are dating a Superhero. And if she sees right through you, she’s got x-ray vision. If both things are going on, you had better remain on your toes because you are not getting away with anything!
Does your Kryptonite nightlight freak her out and give her insomnia? You might sleep like a baby in the warm green glow of your cool nightlight, but if it keeps your overnight guest up all night and puts her in distress, it’s most likely because she has an adverse reaction to Kryptonite.
Of course, it could also be your insanely loud snoring and the fact that you hog the covers, but you might want to try sleeping without the nightlight and see what happens.
She might be so grateful for a good night’s sleep that she rewards you and your man of steel in a super way you’ll never forget.
Have you ever seen your date and a Superhero in the same room together? Statistically speaking, most people have never been seen in the same room with a Superhero, so this one won’t hold up too well in relationship court.
However, if your beloved were to be spotted standing alongside the Superhero you suspect her to be, at least you would finally have definitive proof that you are not dating a Superhero.
Let me ask you something, though: Would you be excited or disappointed to find out that she wasn’t a Superhero?
I hope these tips come in handy. Remember, if she loves you and makes you happy, that makes her a Superhero in my book…
Before you rush off faster than a speeding bullet to leap tall buildings in a single bound on your way to your date, it would be super cool if you followed me on my blog and on Pinterest!