As it turns out, President Trump and his administration prefer alternative facts and fake news to legitimate facts and figures.
The Agents of DUST wanted to make it clear that they were not asked to fact check the details surrounding the Massacre at Bowling Green, nor were they consulted on whether microwaves were being used as cameras by any government on the planet.
“At the moment, we’re not really doing anything official,” Dr. Jack Webb, DUST’s distinguished leader, informed this Modern Philosopher. “There’s not much call for the facts these days from the Trump White House, so I’ve been keeping my staff sharp by conducting nationwide polls on random topics.”
Could you enlighten us on some of these test polls?
“Did you know that 93% of Americans believe that colonoscopies were first brought to this planet centuries ago by Aliens conducting anal probes? Or that 63% of Americans believe that green M&Ms make you horny?”
I had to admit that I had no idea my fellow Americans thought this way. However, I wasn’t as surprised by Dr Webb’s next set of facts.
“71% of Americans believe that Batman should marry Catwoman, while 87% think Superman could beat Batman in a fight even if he was only allowed to use Robin as a weapon and had to wear an eye patch.”
“I can’t say who requested it, but she wanted to know if drinking the tiny cups of tea they serve in the West Wing would cause a person to have to urinate more frequently.”
Apparently, it’s a tradition to serve pots of tea in the White House throughout the day, and the tea cups are particularly small.
“With nothing better to do, we jumped on this research immediately,” Dr. Webb explained. “We ran all sorts of tests on the White House tea, and then brewed dozens of different kinds of tea for comparison. Our workday became a constant tea party, and I started to feel like I worked with a team of Mad Hatters.”
Inevitably, the super hydrated DUST staff came up with a little song to help them survive the perils of constant tea drinking in the name of science.
The catchiest line of the tune probably has to be: Tiny cup of tea, makes ya wanna pee.
“We’re scientists, researchers, government employees. Not songwriters,” Dr. Webb offered in his staff’s defense. “The truth of the matter is that drinking so much of that damn tea does make you have to pee constantly. However, we found that to be true of all the kinds of tea, not just the one served to the White House staffers.”
So what did DUST tell the person who asked them to conduct the research?
“I asked her how many tiny cups of tea she drank a day, and she told me, with a straight face, probably about fifty,” Dr. Webb revealed. “And with geniuses like that running our country, do we even need to wonder why America is in so much trouble?”
Tiny cups of tea are served daily from 6:00am until 9:00pm in the West Wing of the White House. Please be advised that the bathrooms in the West Wing are available strictly on a first come, first served basis.
Tiny cup of tea, makes ya wanna pee…
Writer’s note: This post is dedicated to my coworkers who put up with the ridiculous made up songs I serenade them with every afternoon around 3:00.
After your tiny cup of tea, you should follow me on my blog and on Pinterest!