Trump Bans Non-Orange Easter Eggs

In a move that probably won’t surprise as many people as it really should, Modern Philosophers, President Trump issued an Executive Order today banning all non-orange Easter eggs.

While it’s most likely just another calculated move to freak us out and distract us from some squirrelly nonsense Trump’s planning to pull in the near future, the news is also understandably upsetting to anyone who enjoys a proper rainbow display of Easter egg colors.

Easter has never been a monochrome holiday, and if it were, orange would certainly not be the color or choice.

White House Press Secretary, and former misunderstood tween who was clearly let down by the Easter Bunny back in the day, Sean Spicer was quick to hop on down the Bunny Trail to deal with the fallout from his edition of The President Who Ruined America.

“President Trump was very instrumental in negotiating a compromise with Republican Leadership on the Easter egg ban,” Spicer explained with the usual amount of little guy with something to prove anger in his voice.  “Senior Republicans demanded that all Easter eggs be white, male, and non-gay.  It was President Trump who pointed out that eggs don’t have a sex, and if they’re all white then they’re just regular eggs.  So he got them to settle on orange gender neutral eggs that are, without a doubt, heterosexual.”

When members of the White House Press Corps demanded to know how eggs could have sexual orientation, Spicer pelted them with orange Easter eggs.

Luckily, the eggs were hard boiled so there was no yolk damage, and since Spicer throws like someone with no athletic skills, no one was injured by the projectiles.

When reached for comment on Executive Order Orange, the Easter Bunny stated: “I voted for Bernie, so that construction cone looking mother@#$%^& ain’t my President.  He can pass whatever laws he wants, but they don’t apply to me.”

The Easter Bunny then texted me a photo in which he was wearing a tie dye Make Easter Colorful Again hat.  The hats are now available on the Easter Bunny’s website and all proceeds will be donated to Planned Parenthood.

Opponents of Trump’s Easter Egg ban announced plans to picket outside the White House and toss oranges onto the President’s front lawn.

“Discrimination of any kind is unconstitutional,” a protestor from Vermont, who chose to remain anonymous, told this Modern Philosopher.  “You can’t have one percent of the colors representing all the colors at Easter.  The other ninety-percent deserve a chance to be out there, hidden in the grass on Easter morning, while the little ones scurry about trying to find them for their baskets.  America is not just one color!”

No word yet on whether the White House Easter Egg Hunt will be held this year.  My sources tell me that with this new orange Easter egg law, Secret Service officials are afraid that if the hunt is held, all the children will make a mad dash at President Trump thinking him to be the biggest Easter egg they’ve ever seen.

He’s the biggest something alright, Modern Philosophers.  Just not an Easter egg…

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