Trump Bans Non-Orange Easter Eggs

Easter, Easter eggs, Donald Trump, Excutive Orders, orange, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherIn a move that probably won’t surprise as many people as it really should, Modern Philosophers, President Trump issued an Executive Order today banning all non-orange Easter eggs.

While it’s most likely just another calculated move to freak us out and distract us from some squirrelly nonsense Trump’s planning to pull in the near future, the news is also understandably upsetting to anyone who enjoys a proper rainbow display of Easter egg colors.

Easter has never been a monochrome holiday, and if it were, orange would certainly not be the color or choice.

White House Press Secretary, and former misunderstood tween who was clearly let down by the Easter Bunny back in the day, Sean Spicer was quick to hop on down the Bunny Trail to deal with the fallout from his edition of The President Who Ruined America.

“President Trump was very instrumental in negotiating a compromise with Republican Leadership on the Easter egg ban,” Spicer explained with the usual amount of little guy with something to prove anger in his voice.  “Senior Republicans demanded that all Easter eggs be white, male, and non-gay.  It was President Trump who pointed out that eggs don’t have a sex, and if they’re all white then they’re just regular eggs.  So he got them to settle on orange gender neutral eggs that are, without a doubt, heterosexual.”

Easter, Easter eggs, Donald Trump, Excutive Orders, orange, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhen members of the White House Press Corps demanded to know how eggs could have sexual orientation, Spicer pelted them with orange Easter eggs.

Luckily, the eggs were hard boiled so there was no yolk damage, and since Spicer throws like someone with no athletic skills, no one was injured by the projectiles.

When reached for comment on Executive Order Orange, the Easter Bunny stated: “I voted for Bernie, so that construction cone looking mother@#$%^& ain’t my President.  He can pass whatever laws he wants, but they don’t apply to me.”

The Easter Bunny then texted me a photo in which he was wearing a tie dye Make Easter Colorful Again hat.  The hats are now available on the Easter Bunny’s website and all proceeds will be donated to Planned Parenthood.

Opponents of Trump’s Easter Egg ban announced plans to picket outside the White House and toss oranges onto the President’s front lawn.

“Discrimination of any kind is unconstitutional,” a protestor from Vermont, who chose to remain anonymous, told this Modern Philosopher.  “You can’t have one percent of the colors representing all the colors at Easter.  The other ninety-percent deserve a chance to be out there, hidden in the grass on Easter morning, while the little ones scurry about trying to find them for their baskets.  America is not just one color!”

Easter, Easter eggs, Donald Trump, Excutive Orders, orange, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherNo word yet on whether the White House Easter Egg Hunt will be held this year.  My sources tell me that with this new orange Easter egg law, Secret Service officials are afraid that if the hunt is held, all the children will make a mad dash at President Trump thinking him to be the biggest Easter egg they’ve ever seen.

He’s the biggest something alright, Modern Philosophers.  Just not an Easter egg…

Follow me on my blog and on Pinterest, and I’ll put in a good word for you with the Easter Bunny!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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32 Responses to Trump Bans Non-Orange Easter Eggs

  1. Well he is certainly not the biggest egghead either. Just another LARGE orangehead with freakishly little hands. ~~dru~~

  2. So funny!!

    Oh wait. This isn’t faux news. This is real!!!

  3. Mitchy says:

    Omg! This can’t be true. Grown ass men sitting in a board room for long hours arguing over the color eggs should be and then starting a food fight with eggs… I chose the most hilarious century to be alive in.

  4. The Hook says:

    Will this madness ever end?
    (Before his term does, I mean.)

  5. Lutheranliar says:

    Orange eggs! Chocolate Trumps! You are just too much! xoxo

  6. clairerwong says:

    Haha! I just can’t tell what’s news and what’s satire anymore. But your blog seems a trustworthy source of information at least

  7. daveyone1 says:

    Reblogged this on World Peace Forum.

  8. Louise says:

    thank god w have a prime minister that is all in favor of all kinda colored Easter eggs. What do the citrus fruits gunna do about their color being hijacked??? Seriously!!!hmmm. we have a chocolate orange that sells really well at Easter, so how does it feel about the role reversal? And what about all those other orange foods??? Has Trump infringed numerous patents with this executive order? The Dutch must be totally furious about the use of their ‘color’ by this twerp.

  9. Louise says:

    U go girl..err boy

  10. Parul Thakur says:

    Omg! Is this true? If not, I know that yesterday was April Fools Day.

  11. Jo (Fallen Angel) says:

    Do you think this will spur the creation of those ‘Where’s Wally/Waldo?’ type pictures where the picture is filled with hundreds of orange Easter eggs and you have to try and find Trump’s head in the middle of them all??

  12. susielindau says:

    I love this one and will dye an orange Easter egg in your honor.

  13. lisaorchard1 says:

    Ha! You’re too funny! Thanks for the chuckle!

  14. I am afraid the first step to suppress egg diversity will result in a ban of all milk and dark chocolate bunnies. I hate white chocolate. First of all it isn’t really chocolate at all and don’t even get me started on all orange Peeps!

  15. Silly Mummy says:

    Haha, I can so imagine this happening. Enjoy your orange heterosexual Easter egg hunt! Meanwhile, over here and in real life, our Prime Minister decided, of all the things in the world she could take a stand on, to become very upset over the word ‘Easter’ being dropped from an egg hunt poster, and how anti-Christian that is! Never mind that the poster still clearly said Easter, or that hunting chocolate eggs has got absolutely eff all to do with Christianity!

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