This one was long and exhausting. Not only did I work both jobs, with The Nite Show taping on Wednesday night, but I also dove headfirst into a new exercise program and don’t feel like I’ve stopped moving since Saturday morning.
In fact, I’ve logged almost 1,000 more steps since I started writing this post! Just joking. I’m sitting on the couch and watching the Yankees as I share my Deep Thoughts.
Since it’s been that kind of week, I’ve made the executive decision to select a silly topic for this edition of The Friday Night Think Tank.
So grab your toga, pack some snacks, and come join the fun. I’ll be the tired guy in the corner soaking his aching feet and fighting the urge to gobble down some of the yummy whoopie pies the interns made for us.
This week’s topic: Who do you think would emerge victorious in an “anything goes” street brawl between Baby New Year, Cupid, St. Patrick, The Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam, and Santa Claus?
I’m not sure why this topic popped into my head, but it came to me this morning while I was out for a walk. It probably has to do with the fact that Easter is coming, and the holiday always makes me think of that scene in Mallrats where Jay and Silent Bob wail on the Easter Bunny.
And because of that epic beat down, there is no way I could ever pick the big rabbit to be my Holiday Hero. He’s just too soft, and those giant ears would definitely be used against him in a fight with no rules.
Baby New Year is quickly eliminated simply because an infant isn’t going to win a fight. In all likelihood, he’s just going to poop himself and then curl up for a nap.
Cupid looks and dresses like a baby, too, but he has wings and a deadly weapon. I’m sure he could inflict a lot of damage with his bow, but I can’t find any evidence that Cupid’s arrows can kill. They’d just make his competitors fall in love, and no one wants to get in the middle of a lovers’ quarrel.
St. Patrick would definitely be a contender. Have you ever gotten into a fight with someone who’s Irish? Trust me, Modern Philosophers, it’s a no win situation. I know this from personal experience, and would advise you to run from that encounter and never look back.
What goes against St. Patrick is the fact that he’s a saint, so he’s probably going to be all holy and not want to fight dirty. Plus, his claim to fame is getting rid of snakes, and we have no idea how he is with humans. I’m tempted to go Irish, but I’m going to pass.
Uncle Sam would’ve been my pick given that he is the symbol of the greatest country on the face of the Earth, but lately that is a negative. Bad Ass Sam, who scared the hell out of anyone simply by glaring in their general direction, is now the symbol Trump’s America, and that takes away pretty much all of his street cred.
Get rid of Trump, and I’m sure you’ll Make Uncle Sam Kick Ass again. But in the meantime, he’s just an old dude who dresses like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV, and we all know what happened to him. And Russia was involved there as well.
That means my winner is Santa Claus. Sure, he’s also a Saint, but Santa lives and work full time at the North Pole, which means he hasn’t been softened by the easy life in Heaven.
I would not want to $%^& with the big man in red, especially since it’s so easy to make a body disappear in the vast, snowy wasteland that surrounds the North Pole.
So where do you stand on this ridiculous topic, Modern Philosophers? I could use a laugh, so keep it light and creative.
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