Thank you for your invitation to join you for Sunday Brunch at Mar-a-Lago, but I must respectfully decline due to a standing Sunday appointment that cannot be broken.
While a well prepared meal at your favorite weekend getaway sounds tempting, I am not at all keen on the idea of spending any time in Florida this time of year.
If I wanted to deal with that kind of heat and humidity, I’d simply stay in Hell.
As for your second invitation to join your administration as a Special Advisor, I am flattered, but must also decline.
Is your son-in-law not available to fill the position, or have you simply given him too many jobs that the White House HR Department has told you to look elsewhere for employees?
I’ve held up my end of the deal. I know you think of yourself as a master negotiator, but when we hammered out our agreement, you failed to request any follow up involvement on my part. Since you have nothing else that I want, I have no interest in being involved in whatever it is you’ve chosen to do with the job I helped you secure.
Please delete my contact information, and make this the last time you contact me. Unless, of course, you are looking to refer some new souls my way.
Besides, you’ve already got Steve Bannon on the payroll, and he’s about as close as you can get to having the Prince of Darkness as your right hand man without actually having the real thing. And let me be perfectly clear: I am no one’s sidekick.
You mentioned wanting my advice on how to be a great President. I am The Devil, Donald, not a miracle worker. Miracles are my competition’s department, and something tells me that no one from up there is going to RSVP to any invitation originating from the White House.
Since I’m being honest and open, Donnie, let me state that I don’t want to be seen with you. It would not be good for my image, and I think you’re a horrible human being.
I’ll happily take your eternal soul, but I don’t need to bond with you while you are still among the living.
Good luck. Keep in mind that how you spend eternity depends a lot on how you treat your fellow humans right up until the moment you show up at the Gates of Hell.
I’ll be watching.
Don’t forget to follow me on my blog and on Pinterest. Maybe The Devil will take you to brunch as a reward.