Lucifer the Magnificent

I thought I had seen it all.  Then I walked into the living room of The House on the Hill on Easter Sunday to find the Devil preparing the put on a magic show.

Instead of his usual impeccably tailored suit, he wore an impeccably tailored tuxedo, red bow tie, and a top hat.

He stood in front of a table draped in a black cloth.  On top of the table was a long box, a chain saw, some large silver rings, and a wand.

“Into which ring of Hell have I accidentally wandered?” I quipped as I grabbed a Snapple and sat on the couch.

“Welcome, my friend, to the show that will change the way you look at Easter,” Lucifer announced with great pageantry as he took a bow.  “Lucifer the Magnificent will amaze and entertain you!”

I took a sip of my Snapple to hide the smile that was growing on my face.

“I’m not really a big fan of magic unless it’s performed by Hermione Granger,” I heckled as he took off his top hat and placed it on the table.

“Keep it in your pants, cowboy,” The Prince of Darkness warned.  “Hecklers will be referred to my pitchfork.”

“Carry on then,” I urged timidly.

Satan smiled warmly.  “As you can see, this is an ordinary top hat, but it is capable of extraordinary magic.  I was going to pull the Easter Bunny out of it so you could chat with him about your missing Easter basket, but he is a little busy at the moment.  Instead, I will conjure up something else small and cuddly…”

A moment later, the Devil pulled a short man in an old school French military uniform from inside the hat.  As far as magic tricks go, it was pretty cool, but the identity of my new guest was even more awesome.

“Is that Napoleon?” I asked in awed confusion.

“Oui,” the little man replied.

“Any magician can pull a rabbit out of a hat, but only Lucifer the Magnificent can reach inside his top hat and retrieve Napoleon Bonaparte from the depths of Hell!” Lucifer cooed.

I clapped because it seemed the right thing to do.

Napoleon bowed, which raised The Prince of Darkness’ ire.  “Why in the world are you bowing?  You didn’t do anything.  Now get inside the box before I banish you to a ring of Hell where no one speaks French and everyone else is over seven feet tall!”

The former leader of France did as he was told and climbed into the box on the table.

Satan picked up the chainsaw and a devilish smile formed on his handsome face.  “I will now blow your mind by sawing Napoleon in half!”

I was smart enough to know to never disagree with a man holding a chainsaw, so I just smiled brightly and gave him a thumbs up.

Once the sawing was complete, the Devil separated the sections to prove that the box had been sliced in half.  Thankfully, he didn’t get any blood on my hardwood floor.

“I will now magically put Napoleon back together!” he promised as he re-positioned the halves of the box so they were once again end to end.

Lucifer waved his wand over the box, said a few magic words in French, and next thing I knew, Napoleon was leaping out in one piece to take another bow.

I applauded and even threw in a few whistles.

The Prince of Darkness then tapped Napoleon on the head with his wand, and the tiny despot vanished from my living room.

“There’s more, but you look like you’ve had your full of magic for the day,” Satan commented glumly as he walked over to the couch.

I handed him a Snapple from the cooler, and he plopped down next to me.  His pout was impossible to ignore.

“Does today’s magic show have anything to do with the fact that it’s Easter?” I asked in my kindest voice.

The Devil nodded.

“Do you want to explain what’s bothering you?” I tried to gently pry it out of him.

“I’m so tired of Jesus getting all this attention every Easter just because he pulled off a magic trick two thousand years ago!” Lucifer blurted out so quickly that it almost sounded like one very long word.  “I can do magic, too, and I know more than one trick, but no one’s giving me a holiday!”

“I’m pretty sure the Resurrection was more than a magic trick.  And before you get mad at me for saying that, remember that The Nuns and my Stepmother brainwashed me for a very long time.”

The Prince of Darkness nodded in understanding.  “I can’t blame you for what those women did to you.  Trust me, though, it was just a well choreographed piece of magic.”

I nodded my agreement.  Easter Sunday was not the day to disagree with Satan.  Plus, I didn’t want to upset the guys upstairs on this holy day.  I’m no fool.

Happy Easter!  And with a snap of my fingers, we vanished until next Sunday…

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