Do Monkeys Fear Monkey Bread?

Tonight’s edition of After Dinner Mints, Modern Philosophers, is brought to you by a question that has been nagging at me over the past few weeks…

Do monkeys fear monkey bread?

One of my coworkers makes an awesome loaf (Is that the proper term?  I mean, it’s how you would refer to a quantity of bread…) of monkey bread, and whenever she brings it into the office, the following sort of questions inevitably follow:

Where do you buy your monkeys?

Do you prefer African, Canadian, European, Asian, or American monkeys?

When are monkeys truly in season?

Is it worth it to pay the extra for better quality monkeys, or does the bread just turn out the same no matter what kind you use?

Do you purchase your monkeys shaved, or do you shave them yourself?

Do you buy the monkeys in bulk and freeze them, or do you find the recipe turns out better when you use them fresh?

Have you ever tried to make flying monkey bread, or are you too afraid of the wrath of the Wicked Witch of the West if she finds out what you did?

Do you think that the apes rose up in the Planet of the Apes flicks because they heard about monkey bread and took the name far too literally?

As a follow up to the previous question, do you think human bread exists in the Planet of the Apes version of our planet?

How do you prevent your kiddos from freaking out when they think that the delicious treat they’ve just eaten was made with Curious George?

How come no one has ever thought to serve monkey bread with a garnish of bananas?

If man evolved from monkeys, what creature do you think will eventually evolve from us and come up with a yummy human bread recipe?

How come you aren’t required to place a “No monkeys were harmed in the making of this monkey bread” sticker on every loaf you make?

Who was the psycho who decided to name something so delicious something so disturbing?  And why are people willing to eat it despite the name?

If we are truly more intelligent than monkeys, why do we ask so many stupid questions about monkey bread?

Perhaps you can tell, Modern Philosophers, that my new diet and fitness program is starting to get to me a little bit.

I’ve been obsessing about monkey bread all day, but fighting the urge to run out into the jungle in search of fresh monkeys.

I just hope the monkeys aren’t afraid of monkey bread.  I know they are intelligent creatures, but are they able to discern that there isn’t actual monkey meat in monkey bread?  I’m losing sleep over this!

Think good thoughts for me, as mine are clearly a bit too bizarre this evening.

I hope you are able to read this post over the sound of my tummy rumbling…

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