Legally Wound: How Not To Spend Your Day Off

legal issues, giving a deposition, divorce, humor, sarcasm, Modern PhilosopherI spent a large chunk of my day off, Modern Philosophers, at the historic Bangor Federal Building.

Unfortunately, I was not there on a sightseeing tour or to try on judges’ robes.  I had to give a deposition.

Don’t worry.  My lawyers said it was perfectly fine to write about the experience as long as I left out the specific details of the case.  Also, I had to agree to give them final casting say on who will play them in the movie once I turn this all into a screenplay.

I’d never been deposed, and I have to admit that the prospect of it had me extremely nervous and anxious.  So much so, in fact, that I had to leave last night’s taping of The Nite Show early because I was so distracted and down.

Luckily, my arrival at the Federal Building immediately settled my nerves.  Several security guards approached, told me to empty my pockets and take off my belt, and then made me walk through a metal detector.

Who among you wouldn’t be calmed by such a warm welcome?  Since I’ve lost almost 15 lbs recently, I had to make sure my pants stayed up while I put back on my belt because I was quite fearful of what the penalty might be for mooning Federal guards.

My lawyers optimistically told me the whole process would take about an hour, so I was looking forward to still having most of my day off to relax and write.

When I was finally finished three and a half hours later, I was stressed, exhausted, and amazed that I hadn’t completely lost my cool or slipped into my Brooklyn accent at any point during the day.

legal issues, giving a deposition, divorce, humor, sarcasm, Modern PhilosopherIf you’ve never been deposed, let me sum up the experience in the same way I did today for my lawyers: I felt like I was fighting with my ex-wife again.

It’s like a battle of wits in which one person tries to get the other to admit something, refuses to accept any answer other than the one she wants, and stubbornly won’t back down until the outcome goes in her favor.

Meanwhile, I’m just trying to politely answer questions without losing my cool, and secretly praying that the next question will be the last because I just want it to be over.

I’m having marital spat flashbacks from just re-reading those last two paragraphs.  Quick…someone please come to The House on the Hill and just hold me.

Depositions probably lead to more hugs than the legal system is willing to admit.

Of course, if we were to depose the legal system about this whole hugging issue, it would finally be forced to tell the truth.

But I digress.  Will someone please read the record back to me so I can recall exactly where I lost my train of thought?

It was definitely one of the most grueling afternoons of my life, and should you ever visit Bangor, do yourself a favor and leave the Federal Building Deposition Experience off of your To Do list.

When I finally returned to The House on the Hill, The Other Melissa promptly arrived to whisk me off to dinner so I could have something to smile about on my day off.  Of course, when they messed up my dinner order, I vehemently objected and demanded that the meal be stricken from the record.

I guess it might take me a little longer to shake this than I expected.

legal issues, giving a deposition, divorce, humor, sarcasm, Modern PhilosopherTo help me relax, I’ve put on my soothing oxygen mask and am breathing in pure O2 which has never been tarnished by a lawyer’s presence.

Mmmm…every deep breath is a blessing.

I would have preferred my day off to include much more time vegging on the couch watching TV, but at least this was an experience that I can reference in future stories.

For the record, this is the Modern Philosopher signing off.  Please keep any objections to yourself.

Let the record show that I have politely requested that you follow me both on my blog and on Pinterest.  Thank you!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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6 Responses to Legally Wound: How Not To Spend Your Day Off

  1. davidprosser says:

    I’m sorry you had such a crappy day thanks to the legal eagles. It should never be about bullying.

  2. April Munday says:

    It sounds dreadful. I’m not at all familiar with the legal process you’ve been through, but I hope there are no repercussions.

  3. floridaborne says:

    The only things missing are the interrogation lights and the shackles. I did it one time. I’ll never do it again without a court order — and I doubt that I’m important enough for them to waste their time getting one.

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