Is It Time To Try A Court Appointed Girlfriend?

dating, relationships, American justice system, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherI had some time during Thursday’s visit to the Federal Building, Modern Philosophers, to check out the directory of services offered to the good people of Bangor by the Federal Government.

While the security guards patted me down and ran a wand over me, I noticed that there was something called Relationship Court on the fourth floor.  Inquiring minds immediately had to know what that was about.

As the clerk explained it, couples can go to Relationship Court to settle disputes of all sorts, up to, but not including, divorce.

The decision of the court is binding, and anyone who violates a Relationship Court judge’s ruling will be fined or jailed.

And before you ask, it’s real jail, not relationship jail.   Relationship jail would just be going home and dealing with the wrath of your significant other.  In other words, just like regular everyday life.

But wait, Modern Philosophers, there’s more.  While Relationship Court’s main function appears to be to either keep couples from killing each other, or to keep the out of Divorce Court, it did offer a somewhat unique service that did intrigue me.

Court Appointed Significant Others.

According to the paperwork I picked up on the fourth floor:

dating, relationships, American justice system, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherYou have the right to a relationship.  Anything you say in the relationship can and definitely will be used against you anytime you have a disagreement, or want to get lucky.  You have the right to a significant other.  If you cannot find a significant other, Relationship Court will appoint one for you…

How awesome does that sound?  All this time I’ve spent trying to find someone to go out with me, and my tax dollars were already paying to provide a service that would’ve not only found me a date, but also would have gotten me into a relationship!

I really do need to spend more time reading up on our Judicial System.  Now I totally understand why the Supreme Court is so important, as they are the ones who ultimately approve the decisions of the Relationship Court judges as to which court appointed significant other gets assigned to the citizen requesting the service.

Of course, I still want to do a little more research before I apply.  I’m worried that if my past dating history is taken into consideration, I might be saddled with a girlfriend who is too much like my ex-wife.  I think that is a reasonable concern given that it was the longest relationship of my life, and that the records from our divorce are already on file at the Bangor Federal Building.

The important thing to focus on is that I am serious about getting back out there and rejoining the relationship rat race.  It’s been a long time since the Sweet Irish Girl decided to stay on her side of ocean, and I’ve yet to go on a date.

dating, relationships, American justice system, humor, satire, Modern PhilosopherThe time has come, and I’m leaning strongly towards allowing the American Judicial System to play an active role in helping me find my Happily Ever After.

What could possibly go wrong?

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should I let Relationship Court play Cupid?

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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17 Responses to Is It Time To Try A Court Appointed Girlfriend?

  1. Alas, I couldn’t find the existence of the Relationship Court on the Maine court website. Not sure about a government dating service, although it would probably make the state a lot of money. Maybe they could do away with taxes….

  2. umashankar says:

    Go ahead, David. Find your Bathsheba!

  3. Ficklefifty says:

    I don’t think I would want the government involved in my personal relationship. Sounds very dry. Good luck to you and keep us posted. I’m nosey that way. 😀

  4. The Hook says:

    Definitely not!
    It’s your love life, buddy, you can handle it on your own.
    it just doesn’t feel that way right now.

    • Austin says:

      Perhaps you’re right. It’s not like I live in Canada where I’m sure the government would supply a much more attractive choice of girlfriends. 🙂

  5. lindahobden says:

    I suppose leaving it to the American Judicial System to find a significant other could prove interesting … you might find yourself shipped off to a remote place, for example, Fogo Island in Newfoundland, and ordered to marry an islander to help populate the island…. ok, a bit extreme, but I’ve just watched a documentary on Fogo Island and they’re desperate to populate! The programme featured twins who liked to do synchronised sweeping…. 😜 Just saying!

  6. Sounds like quite the experiment! 😳

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