“If you were to wake up tomorrow morning to discover that you had suddenly and mysteriously been blessed with Jedi powers, what’s the first thing you would do?” The Devil asked as he put down the Sunday edition of the Bangor Daily News.
As always, he was impeccably dressed in a suit that cost more than my monthly mortgage payment. While he waited for my reply, he fiddled with the silk handkerchief that peeked out of his jacket pocket.
“I’d probably get up and pee,” I replied after a moment’s thought. “I’ve always got to go when I first wake up, and I don’t think having Jedi powers would suddenly change that. Although, now that I think about it, you never see the Jedi use the toilet in any of the Star Wars flicks.”
Lucifer predictably rolled his eyes and glanced down at the paper as if considering to abandon this conversation and go back to reading in silence. But he searched his feelings and decided to give this obnoxious joker another chance.
“Let me be more specific,” he insisted. “If you were to discover you had Jedi powers, what is the first way you would use them?”
“Now that is the perfect question for a Modern Philosopher and Star Wars geek on a slow moving Sunday,” I praised him. “Of course, if I’m going to get the Deep Thoughts flowing, I am going to require a Snapple.”
I reached into the cooler and pulled out two bottles of lemon iced tea. After handing one to my guest, I popped the top off of the remaining one and took a long sip.
The Prince of Darkness drummed his fingers impatiently on his leg. “A long time ago, in a galaxy not at all far away, I asked what I thought for a fairly simple question…”
“I’d track down Rey, introduce myself as a fellow Jedi in training, tell her I wanted to join her in fighting the First Order, and then once we became really close, I’d ask her out. Or maybe I’d just cut to the chase and propose to her.”
“You really are a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?” Satan asked in a way that wasn’t meant to be mistaken for a compliment.
“I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I don’t think there’s any other way I could get Daisy Ridley to go out with me,” I explained with the enthusiasm of someone slightly obsessed with an attractive celebrity. “But if I had Jedi powers, I’m no longer some creepy fan asking out a total stranger. Now I’m the only person on Earth who is actually a Jedi.”
“So then why are you asking out the character she plays, rather than Daisy herself?” The Devil asked, ironically playing Devil’s advocate.
“Because as much as I’m crushing on Daisy, actresses can be very high maintenance,” I answered without hesitation. “Rey, on the other hand, is a kick ass, no nonsense, light saber wielding beauty from another world who can take care of herself. That’s much more of a turn on.”
Lucifer took a very long sip of his Snapple as he regretted ever opening this particular line of questioning.
I had an answer all cued up for him, though.
“I’d go full Jedi on the lawn,” I told him confidently. “I’d use the Force to propel the mower across the lawn while I sat on the porch and read a book.”
“So you wouldn’t use your light saber to cut down every blade of grass and show the lawn the true power of the Force?” The Prince of Darkness asked with a chuckle.
“Hell no!” I exclaimed. “That would require even more effort than using the actual lawn mower. I’m looking to cut myself out of the equation entirely. Except, of course, for the use of my mind, which never rests.”
“I’m going to go back to reading the paper now,” Satan stated with disappointment.
“I’m sorry if my answers didn’t intrigue you, but if I were one with the Force, I know that’s what the Force would want me to do,” I defended my choices like a true Jedi.
And with that, silence returned to The House on the Hill…
If you were suddenly blessed with Jedi powers, what’s the first thing you would do with them?