You know him. His best known role is that of Detective John Munch, a character he played on both Homicide: Life on the Street and Law & Order: SVU.
Last night, however, he played the lead role in a very vivid nightmare that roused me from my sleep just five minutes before my alarm was prepared to sound.
Belzer chose to haunt my longest recurring nightmare, which tells me he’s looking to become a Dream Warrior.
Yet again, I dreamed that I was waiting tables at the restaurant where I toiled for four years to put myself through NYU.
The place was packed, and as usually happens in this nightmare, I had no clue as to why I was suddenly back in this Brooklyn pub after more than two decades, and I wasn’t exactly prepared to deal with the dinner rush.
I did my best to let my coworkers take all the tables, but it got to a point where I finally had to pull my share of the load. Belzer took a table near the front of the restaurant and was joined by a woman who refused to speak. Maybe she wasn’t a fan of mine, perhaps she was a mute, or more than likely, she was pissed that her celebrity boyfriend dragged her to some crummy pub in Bay Ridge for dinner.
Since she wouldn’t talk, Belzer did enough for them both. He clearly knew me because he’d asked to sit in my section, and then he started picking on me about how far I’d fallen in life to be waiting tables in Brooklyn.
That alone was enough to make this a nightmare and turn Belzer into my personal Freddy. But he didn’t stop there.
Belzer insisted on ordering immediately and didn’t bother looking at the menu. He gave me a very complicated and specific drink order, asking for some obscure liqueur, and rambling on about how it was a mix of different flavors, one of which was chocolate bean.
And it had to be served in a linguini glass, whatever the hell that was.
I was trying to scribble it down on my pad, but my pen wouldn’t work, so all I was getting was a few random words. I can still remember writing “chocolate bean”, “linguini”, “Belzer”, and “@$$hole” on the pad, while trying to commit the rest to memory.
Belzer could tell I was frazzled. Maybe the fact that I was wearing my pajamas, which is almost always my wardrobe of choice in this nightmare, gave me away. Perhaps it was because I was cursing as I tried to get my pen to work.
Whatever it was, Belzer picked up on it and just kept talking. The man was relentless. He would not shut up. He ordered enough food to feed everyone in the restaurant.
And I couldn’t write any of it down because of my stupid pen.
Finally, one of the owners came over to see what the problem was. He didn’t want his celebrity customer to be dissatisfied, and he didn’t need the cursing waiter in pajamas to draw attention to himself.
I was petrified that I was going to get fired. It’s not like I wanted to work there, but if I was suddenly employed there after all these years, I must have been desperate for a job, and there was no way my new nightmare nemesis was going to put me on unemployment.
I just wanted to scream so badly!
The really freaky thing, aside from Richard Belzer haunting my dreams, was that even though it was 5:25AM, my FitBit reported that I had only slept until 3:25AM.
The device had been very accurate with tracking my sleep patterns up to that point, so what did it mean that it said I’d been awake for two hours? Clearly, I was asleep if I’d had such a vivid nightmare, so why was my FitBit saying I was awake?
Could the answer rest with Richard Belzer: Dream Warrior? Did he somehow materialize at The House on the Hill, make my bedroom look like the restaurant, and haunt me in real life? It would explain why I was wearing my pajamas…
It’s still got me feeling all creepy. Get out of my head, Belzer!
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