Well, you might want to rethink that strategy because you could be missing a call from Vice President Mike Pence.
According to multiple White House sources, who wish to remain anonymous, President Trump’s understudy has been working the phones to assure confused, nervous, frightened, and pissed off Americans that he is ready to go if the country suddenly finds itself needing a new leader.
Of course, the elephant in the room, which Pence never directly mentions in his phone calls, is not the Republican Party’s famous logo, but rather, the glorious thought of Trump’s impeachment.
“He never uses the ‘I word’ when he calls,” a White House staffer with knowledge of the situation, but also a desire to keep her job, told this Modern Philosopher. “The Vice President is simply reassuring his fellow Americans that, should he receive the promotion so many of us here desperately hope he gets, he is ready to step into the role. He wants the country to know that there is no reason to panic if the President the Electoral College put in office should be told his services are no longer needed.”
If you believe the rumors, the phone calls began last month when Trump staffers, tipsy from a night of trying to drown their confusion and dismay in whatever adult beverages they could scrounge up in White House offices, randomly dialed numbers and sincerely apologized to whatever unsuspecting American answered the phone.
“The crazy thing was, no one complained about being awakened in the middle of the night by a total stranger,” another White House employee explained. “Once they realized the person on the other end of the phone wanted to apologize for all the horrible things President Trump had done and would continue to do, they were open to engaging in a conversation that was healing for both parties.”
When word of the late night phone calls got back to the Vice President, whose Secret Service Code Name happens to be “Any Second Now”, he insisted on taking over the task.
“Vice President Pence liked what we were doing, but he didn’t want any of us to get fired. He’s a nice guy that way,” my source continued. “He knows that President Trump needs him to give the Administration some sense of respectability, so he said he would make the calls and take any heat if the President lost his $%^& if he found out about it.”
As it turns out, President Trump really has no idea what Vice President Pence does all day. Multiple sources confirm that the President is so full of himself that he never seeks out his VP’s opinion on anything. Some even say Trump is jealous that people like Pence more, so he purposely shuns his second in command.
So the man who will take over the country once America comes to its senses, sits in his office and works his way down a call list randomly generated by his computer.
Thus far, his calls have received an overwhelmingly positive response.
“Some people think it’s a prank call, so it takes a little convincing that it’s really the Vice President on the phone,” one of Pence’s aides shared with a chuckle. “But most folks are extremely reassured to know that there is a Plan B in place for once the Trump Experiment finally comes to an end.”
“The Vice President told me just the other day that he has convinced a dozen people to cancel their plans to move to Canada. I’d say that’s real progress.”
I’m not yet convinced that President Pence would be much progress, Modern Philosophers, but I’m willing to concede that it is a step in the right direction.
If the Vice President calls me, I intend to grill him on what he plans to do to make America great again. And if I’m not happy with his answer, I’m going to insist on talking to one of the drunk White House staffers instead. They sound like they’d be a blast…