Well, let me assure you that there’s nothing worse than having the sudden sensation that The Devil is spying on you.
I looked up from the Yankees game to discover him studying me from the doorway. As always, he was fashionably dressed in an impeccably tailored suit.
I hated him for looking so good on what had to be the hottest day of the year, while my Snapple stained toga was clinging to my sweaty parts.
“I don’t know how to say this politely, so I won’t,” Lucifer warned me. “You look like something the cat dragged in after having dug it up from a cemetery.”
“Happy Sunday to you, too,” I growled and took a long sip of my Snapple.
He remained in the doorway. Staring. Like he was afraid to get his expensive suit too close to the train wreck that was taking up the left side of the couch.
“What’s wrong with you? Is it contagious?” The Prince of Darkness asked as a devilish grin formed on his too handsome face.
“I didn’t sleep well,” I admitted. “I had some crazy dreams, and I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was too freaked out about slipping back into one of them.”
“I’ve never understood the whole dream thing,” Satan confessed once he had finally settled in on his side of the couch.
“What is there to get?” I demanded with some definite attitude in my query. “You have a dream or nightmare that messes with your head, and you’re too afraid to revisit it again so you keep yourself from falling back asleep.”
“Sorry. I understood that basic concept. I am somewhat intelligent,” The Devil snickered as he pulled a bottle of Snapple from the cooler. “What I meant was that I cannot comprehend what dreaming is like since I’ve never had one.”
I looked over at the well dressed ruler of Hell, and waited for the inevitable grin that would signal he was only messing with me. But his face held steady.
“You’ve never had a dream? Ever?” I asked, completely flabbergasted by the concept.
“I rarely even sleep,” Lucifer continued to blow my mind. “Remember, Austin, I’m not a human. I am an Angel, albeit a fallen one, and Angels are unlike any being you’ve ever known. We don’t need a solid eight to recharge our batteries so we can face the next day in the rat race.”
I paused for a moment, just in case my head was going to explode. Thankfully, it did not. I would hate to have to clean the couch after that happened.
“So what do you do all night if you don’t sleep?” I had to know.
“I mostly catch up on the shows on my DVR,” The Prince of Darkness informed me with a chuckle. “I have a Kingdom of the Damned to rule over, Austin, which is pretty much a 24/7 commitment. I’m also traveling the globe making deals for souls, and occasionally doing battle with my former boss’ minions. I wouldn’t have time to sleep if I needed it.”
“It’s going to take me some time to process this one,” I told him as I reached for another Snapple. “The sleep pattern of Angels is something the Nuns never covered in Theology.”
“Why don’t you sleep on it?” Satan suggested with a chuckle.
I had no come back for that one, so I went back to watching the Yankees.
A gold star to anyone who can tell me, in the comments section, why those photos from Blade Runner are appropriate for this post…