As luck would have it, this rainy Friday was the day we’d set aside for an office barbecue.
The second I arrived at work, I was bombarded with questions as to whether the grilling would proceed as scheduled. The Facilities Department had even called and emailed me to see if I still needed the special grill I’d requested for today.
What the hell, people?
If we’ve planned a barbecue, we’re having a barbecue! Because, you know, nothing does wonders for office morale like canceling the feeding frenzy everyone’s been looking forward to all week simply because the chefs are afraid to get wet.
I ain’t no witch. The rain ain’t gonna melt me!
I just need a hat and a jacket, and I’ll be fine. As long as the flames are high and the food is edible, the raindrops aren’t going to be a problem.
So how do you feed 60 people in the rain?
I was going to fuel my inner fire today with hot dogs and hamburgers, so I needed to burn a ton of calories as a preemptive strike against the caloric invasion.
Friday is normally my day off from running, but I’m willing to make an exception to any rule if red hot dogs and bacon cheeseburgers are involved!
Of course, I haven’t literally run my fat ass off for the past eleven weeks to blow it all today, so I promised myself to approach the feeding frenzy with self-control.
Once I set my mind to something, it usually gets done.
Request the special grill that is exponentially better than the rickety one you usually use. We have a grill on site, but it is old, temperamental, and works at a very slow pace. No, I’m not talking about me…I’m talking about the grill.
But if one puts in a special request for the Bad Boy 2000 (pictured above), life in front of the flames is a hell of a lot easier (oh, the witty word play!). This Monster of the Grillway can cook two dozen burgers at once, and hot dogs are ready in only a matter of minutes.
Don’t worry, we didn’t ignore the other grill. We used it to cook the veggie burgers in a quarantine situation so they wouldn’t infect the meats!
Hey, look…the one on the right is wearing my old fitness tracker. How interesting.
Anyhow, with the help of a top notch team of burger flippers and flame tamers, feeding sixty people in the rain is a cinch.
Grilling as a trio really was perfect. We constantly had new meats being added to the grill, burgers were moved and flipped before anything burned, and when the food was ready, it was promptly removed and brought inside to the starving masses.
We worked like a well oiled machine that wiped away a lot of tears. Because where there’s barbecue fire, there’s always smoke that gets in your eyes.
So even if we were to totally screw up the burgers and dogs, they’d be so grateful for anything to eat that there would be absolutely no complaints.
Of course, the downside to this strategy is that ravenous coworkers might corner a weak coworker in a dark hallway and ponder the wonders of cannibalism.
Luckily, it did not come down to that!
I did a quick headcount at the end of the work day, and everyone was present and accounted for. Plus, I did not find any unidentified bones anywhere in the office.
That was a major relief!
Wear a hat and just keep smiling. The hat will protect you from the rain, which is important because a soggy grill master will make poor decisions and ruin the meats everyone has been craving all week.
The smile is important because a work barbecue is all about raising morale, making your coworkers feel appreciated, and taking a little of the grind out of a long work week.
Smiling is infectious, so if the person manning the grill is smiling, that positive attitude will seep into whatever is on the grill, and then infect the rest of the staff when they eat. So be Patient X of the Smile Outbreak!
One last thing to remember: stuff your face when you finally get to go inside and join the others. You worked hard to feed the masses, so you deserve a big, yummy lunch of your own. Don’t be afraid to feed your inner tapeworm.
Here’s what my plate looked like an hour later when I finally had a second to sit down to sample my cooking…
I told you it was infectious!
I had a red hot dog, bacon cheeseburger, macaroni salad, and a big cup of Snapple. It was damn delicious, Modern Philosophers.
And you know what made it all worthwhile? The big smiles on the faces of my coworkers for the rest of the afternoon, along with all their gracious comments about my efforts on the grill.
I’m always happy to feed my coworkers, but it really warms my heart to see them all so happy. Who doesn’t love and need a yummy morale boost like this?