I’ve noticed that work has been a bit stressful for you lately, and I wanted to suggest that a vacation in Maine might be exactly what you need.
I know you like to go to your ritzy resort in Florida when you want to get away from the grind of being the Leader of the Free World, but that doesn’t seem to be working.
A change of scenery is definitely in order, and something tells me you’d be incredibly comfortable in Maine. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but it’s just a gut feeling.
Did you know that Maine is also known as Vacationland? It’s true. They put it right on the license plates, so you can’t write than one off as fake news.
Just a little humor to try to put you at ease, sir.
Summer is the perfect time to visit. It’s the only season when it doesn’t snow in Maine, and the natives spend the entire three months celebrating that fact. So why not get in on the fun while everyone up here is in such a festive mood?
Do you like lobster? If so, Maine is known for it. I’m pretty sure it’s the official state bird, and if it’s not, you certainly have the power to make that happen.
Maine lobsters are so large that their claws are bigger than your hands. And I’m not just saying that because of your infamously tiny hands. The lobsters are just huge.
I’m sure you’ll feel right at home as a guest of Governor LePage. Like you, he is very outspoken, knows exactly what he wants even if it’s not in the best interest of the people he represents, and he’s often in the news for saying outrageous things.
Now that I think about it, you two are like peas in a pod. Thankfully, he hasn’t discovered Twitter yet. If you do come to visit, Mr. President, you must promise me that you will not introduce Governor LePage to that aspect of social media.
Maybe you can do something good for Maine during your visit, and offer the Governor a position in your administration. That way, you’ll always have a little piece of the state with you, and Mainers will finally have some peace and quiet.
While you’re here, you can talk to Stephen King about how the dome from his bestselling novel, Under The Dome, might be used as an alternate to your border wall idea. I’m sure Maine’s Master of Horror would love some one on one time with the man many think is the most evil person in the country because he wants to take healthcare away from the poor and those who need it most.
I sense another bestseller in Uncle Stevie’s future!
When you are done rubbing shoulders with Maine celebrities, you can enjoy some quiet time on one of our beautiful beaches. Since you say global warming isn’t a thing, you should make sure to appreciate our sandy shores on one of the few days of the year they aren’t covered in snow and ice.
If you ever get homesick while you’re in Maine, I have a friend from Ukraine who speaks fluent Russian. She can join you for a chat anytime so you feel like you are back home having a clandestine meeting with a member of the Russian government.
Hopefully, you’ll find some time in your busy schedule to visit The House on the Hill to do an interview for this blog. I know I’ve criticized and mocked you from pretty much the moment you announced your candidacy, so this will be the perfect opportunity to make sure the views on the blog are fair and balanced.
I bet you’ll love my home so much that you’ll want to create a franchise of Trump Houses on the Hill. That’s fine with me as long as I get my cut, and am not named in any lawsuits when the business goes bankrupt.
Leave the woes of the White House behind (please leave Steve Bannon behind, too, as there are many children in Maine and we don’t want them to have nightmares!) for a couple of weeks, and spend some time in a part of America that doesn’t need to be made great again because it’s never stopped being great?
I look forward to seeing you. In the meantime, do you think I could get an autographed box of Trump Steaks? It is grilling season in Maine after all.
Very truly yours,
The Modern Philosopher