But we’re not talking about independence from Merry Ole England…
According to a phone poll conducted by the Department Utilizing Statistics and Tables (DUST), 83% of Americans are looking forward to a time when Donald Trump is no longer their President.
That number does dip to 76%, but only when the participants are limited to current White House employees and members of the Trump Administration.
“The numbers really do speak for themselves,” admits Dr. Henry Patrick, the DUST Director who oversaw the survey.
Dr Patrick continued, “Usually, when we conduct a phone poll, people are all business, to the point of almost being rude, and want to get us off the phone as quickly as possible. With this one, however, participants were talking our ears off about how they couldn’t wait for Trump to be out of the White House.”
Here are some sample replies:
“Wait! This is option? What button do I push to get Trump out of office?”
“I can’t wait to see him ago. I might actually start using Twitter again.”
“If we could get rid of this Trump clown, it would be America’s greatest victory since we defeated the Aliens in Independence Day! Maybe this is the sequel that they should have made instead of that piece of $%^& they released last year!”
“I would love to be free of Trump so I can go back to doing my job without being mocked on a daily basis by the man who is supposed to be the Leader of the Free World.”
Dr Patrick would not reveal the names behind the above quotes, but I’m fairly certain that last one was from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.
Democratic leaders who were privy to the results of the poll, told this Modern Philosopher, under condition of anonymity, that this will certainly buoy their efforts to get President Trump impeached.
“The people have spoken,” one Senator told me with a huge smile on her face. “The actual people. Our constituents. Not the Electoral College. They want Trump out as much as those of us trying to work with the man. Do you know that I still can’t bring myself to refer to him a President Trump? The acid churns in my stomach anytime I say it.”
No word yet on which member of DUST has drawn the short straw and will need to present the poll’s findings to President Trump.
“At this point, we’re kind of hoping he will hear about it via your blog post,” Dr Patrick admitted with an embarrassed shrug. “If not, we might just Tweet it.”
“I’m hoping he quits,” a Congressman told me with his fingers crossed. “Something younger and more attractive will catch his eye, and he will just resign to chase after it and grant us our freedom.”
Americans are certainly not giving up on their dream of being free of President Trump by Independence Day. Fireworks sales are up 550% this year, signalling that citizens believe they will have something major to celebrate on July Fourth.
Leo “Lefty” Wardwell, owner of Lefty’s Fireworks Emporium in Skunk’s Hollow, GA, let me in on his theory as to why business is booming (horrible pun intended!) this Fourth of July via email: “Rumor has it whatever the hell that furry thing is that lives on Trump’s head is scared of loud noises and bright colors. Folks are planning to set off enough fireworks on the Fourth to send that critter scampering for shelter!”
Lefty’s email also included a coupon for 25% off any purchase over $500. Since I won’t be able to make use of the coupon, I would be happy to give it to the first reader who requests it. Just let me know in the comments section.
“Americans know that their day is coming. They understand that the process of removing a sitting President is not an easy one, but this country is made up of people who persevere. So maybe there will still be a President Trump this Fourth of July, but that doesn’t mean there will be one when we celebrate the holiday next year. This is the new American Dream, and we will not give up on it until our current nightmare finally comes to an end. God Bless America. Happy Independence Day.”
Happy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers!