Still Shaken

life, death, meaning of life, is there a god, philosophy, grieving, Modern PhilosopherI’m still badly shaken by Miss Luna’s passing, Modern Philosophers.

I cried all day on Monday, shed more tears yesterday, and have found myself on the verge of breaking down several times today.

How could one tiny kitty knock such a big guy on his ass to the point that he cannot get upright again?

I don’t want this blog to become a morbid space where I share depressing thoughts about the death of my beloved pet, which is why I made sure not to blog yesterday.

Today, however, the Modern Philosopher in me wants to speak his mind.  As much as I am heartbroken at the loss of Luna, I’m even more pissed off at whatever higher being is up there pulling the strings.

I mean, seriously?  All the $%^& that I deal with on a daily basis, and I have to lose one of the few things in this world that brings me happiness and comfort?  How is that remotely close to fair?

Luna was a sweet, shy kitty, who never caused me a moment’s grief.  Hadn’t she already been put through enough when she was brought to the shelter by her previous owner?  When I adopted Luna and Cali, the staff told me they had been there the longest of all the cats.  While that seemed ridiculous because they were both so precious and adorable, it was good for me because I got to take them home.

After having to deal with shelter life, and finally finding a forever home with a daddy who loved her and would never abandon her, Luna only got to enjoy her new home for three years.  How the #$%^ is that fair?

life, death, meaning of life, is there a god, philosophy, grieving, Modern PhilosopherWhat kind of god allows this $%^&?  I already have enough of a struggle with my faith, but I still pray every night before bed.  The first thing I always pray for is for god to watch over my kitties and to keep them “happy, healthy, and with me forever”.

When Luna got sick, I prayed every night for her recovery.  I begged god to spare her, to help the vet figure out what was wrong, and to just keep her with me.

As she started to look and act better, I thanked god every night for her progress and prayed that she would continue to grow stronger.

Sunday night when I went to bed, I thanked god that Luna had eaten all her food, and told him I would hand feed her every day for however long it took until she got better.

I woke the next morning to find that Luna had passed in her sleep.

How is that fair?  Why bring this amazing pet into my life and only let me love her for three years?  Why was she eating again and acting more like herself if she was just going to leave this world behind?

When Banky, my little black cat, died at age 18, I vowed I would never again get a cat because I could not handle the grief that destroyed me when they left this world.

But those close to me convinced me to go to the Humane Society, and I found Luna and Cali.  I was so happy.  I thought to myself that this dynamic duo would be scampering around The House on the Hill for the next decade at least.

So why did Luna only get three years?

Why is Cali wandering the house now looking for her sister?

Why am I brokenhearted again?  Why am I losing my faith in god and questioning the randomness of life?

This is absolute !@#$%^&.

life, death, meaning of life, is there a god, philosophy, grieving, Modern PhilosopherIt just seems like anytime I have something good come into my life, I have to pay a steep penalty for it.  Get a new car on Saturday, lose my beautiful kitty on Sunday.

Why does god allow this kind of thing to happen?  Why are innocent animals made to suffer?  She got a $%^&* running nose and six months lately she’s dead.

I don’t understand why this is even an option.  Where was Luna’s guardian angel?  Why wasn’t god looking out for her?

Luna didn’t deserve this.  She should be running around this house, chasing her sister, eating her dinner, and curling up in my lap to have her chin scratched.

My kitty didn’t deserve to suffer.  Life sucks.  I’m so tired of how unfair it is.

Someone explain to me how a loving god would allow such heartbreaking things to happen in a world that has already gone to $%^&.  Why can’t I have my simple pleasures?   All I wanted was for my kitties to be safe and happy.

Was I asking too much?  If there is a god, he clearly doesn’t give a $%^& about me.

Sorry for the anger and the strong language, but I’m shaken, Modern Philosophers, and I want an explanation for why I’m dealing with this loss right now…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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31 Responses to Still Shaken

  1. I hear you, my friend. I’ve lost 3 cats and as I already said, I lost my dog on Sunday. It never gets easier. I still have a cat, but Carl is also getting to a very advanced age. My suggestion is to do as I plan to this coming weekend: go to a shelter and find another friend. It’s how you can honor Luna. As for the philosophical-theological implications, if I may be so bold: look to the wisdom of the East.

  2. umashankar says:

    My heart goes out to you. Apart from the fact I am shunted off to a new place biannually, short life of pets keeps me from getting new ones.

  3. cat9984 says:

    I’m so sorry. I remember when you got Luna. She seemed very sweet. It’s horrible to lose a member of the family

  4. I hear you, and I’m sorry. It sounds like a similar situation to when my Blonde died (after vet input, seemed to be getting better) and I found her dead in the morning. Her sister Blue came and fetched me and took me to her with much wailing. I think Blue and I grieved together.

  5. MindOverMeta says:

    Hey Austin, I’m sorry for your loss.

    I don’t have the answers and I myself am not religious, although I do believe in some ‘force’ around us which I can’t explain.

    I believe that things happen for a reason and that people/animals/situations come into our life for a reason. Yes, it doesn’t seem fair that Luna only had three years with you. BUT it sounds like those three years were probably the happiest and safest she had been for a long time. What better way to live out your final years than with someone who took great care of you and loved you so much? It may be too soon to think about this, but perhaps over time think about what you gained from having Luna and not just what you lost. What did she teach you while she was alive? What has her passing taught you? I believe these are all lessons for us.

    In the meantime, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Anger is a valid emotion, just like any other. There’s no set way to grieve, no set feelings to feel. Just give yourself time, and take care of yourself.

  6. Maybe you’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe whoever is upstairs have your Luna so she’d be with you for that short time. You looked after then and cared for them. Maybe too she was taken because it was the best thing for her, you wanted her to be well and she is now.

    When my Mum passed it was almost a blessing, and I took comfort from people telling me that if she’s up above, she’s well and she’s happy.

    I know it’s no comfort but to have had her and loved her was better than never having had her in the first place. Maybe she waited till you got your car and you were more settled before she left you.
    (See, my counselling makes me try to look at things a different way, than my usual)

  7. Ritu says:

    I don’t think there are words to console you. Life can be cr@p and we all know it…
    At least you know that the three years she had with you were the best 😻

  8. Sorry for your loss Austin…I’ve been there…sometimes ( a lot) life is %£$ for no reason…thanks for sharing though…

  9. Drops of Ink says:

    You have my deepest and truest sympathies. I can relate.

  10. Holly says:

    I’m so very sorry that you can’t find the answers you need right now.

    I noticed yesterday that my H, who is 17 1/2, is losing weight and is suddenly acting his age. I am hoping for the best for him but I can’t imagine what I will do if it’s the inevitable at this point.

  11. applewoody says:

    Sorry for your loss of Luna. We have lost kittens before, and will again. They are such special little friends. I am a naruralist, so I accept such things, but it is never easy, as we become so close to these little emotional sounding boasrds. You will always have her in your heart, but I know that right now that isn’t enough. You were a loyal friend and Dad to her. That’s the best you could have done, and better than most cats get. Take some comfort in knowing that. You are probably a better person because of your Luna.

  12. Austin,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t worry about the language and the questions/venting. You gotta express what your feeling. Loss sucks whether it’s a pet, a friend, a family member. It’s never easy.

  13. I am so sorry for your suffering and sadness, Austin. Truly. Say what you need to say. I have been in the place where I wonder why God is dumping shit on me. It isn’t fun. Acknowledge and accept what you feel. Luna was a lucky girl to have found a loving home with you. Maybe only a short time, but I’m sure the most blessed of her life. You’re in our thoughts and prayers.

  14. Mary Rowen says:

    I’m so sorry, Austin. Losing a beloved pet is so incredibly hard. I wish I knew why some have to leave us so early in life. The very first cat I had after college turned out to have feline leukemia, and died before his first birthday. When the vet told me he had the disease, I was stunned, and also somewhat in denial. His death felt like the end of the world to me. Since then, I’ve had six other cats, and have had to put three down due to illness. One, like your lovely Luna, died at home of a disease. In a perfect world, our pets would have much longer lifespans, and could tell us–in words–how they felt, so we could get them medical help before advanced too far. Maybe some day, someone will invent a way to translate animal language into a human one. But even if they do, I guess we just need to appreciate each day we have with each other, and with our feline friends. Take good care of yourself. ❤

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