Are Mall Rats Being Devoured By Cyber Cats?

humor, shopping, malls, online shopping, Jay and Silent Bob, Modern PhilosopherI went to the mall today, Modern Philosophers, because it has always been my fantasy to be a cast member in a raunchy 1980s teen comedy.

Okay, I lied.

I actually went to the mall because I need new running shoes.  For some reason, my current pair really don’t have a sole anymore.

Kind of like our President.

Shout out to the highly underrated synonym humor.

I haven’t been to the Bangor Mall in sometime.  Mostly because I’m not sixteen and looking to rebel against my overbearing parents, who care more about paying for my older sibling’s wedding than planning my birthday party.

But I also don’t really like malls.  Or shopping.  Or being around large groups of people.

Luckily, that last one was not going to be an issue today.  Apparently, the Bangor Mall has turned into something of a ghost town since my last visit.

I hope my absence didn’t lead to the mall’s decline.

I mean, I used to go with Rachel to hang out on our lunch break.  We’d get a Blizzard at Dairy Queen and then mack in the car in the parking lot until it was time to go to work.

It wasn’t like I was dropping a huge amount of coin there.

humor, shopping, malls, online shopping, Jay and Silent Bob, Modern PhilosopherWhen I entered the formerly great gathering of stores, I was stunned to see that so many of them were closed and boarded up.

It’s summer.  The place should be packed with mall rats wasting away the day, defying authority, and trying to look cool for members of the opposite sex.

But there was just a lot of emptiness, haggard looking parents pushing strollers, and a notice on the gates of the Chinese restaurant stating that officials had closed it (for reasons I did not care to learn).

Since I wanted this to be a quick trip, I didn’t mind the great wide open that had once be packed with annoying teens.  However, the Modern Philosopher in me was curious as to what had happened to the place I’d used to go for a little lunchtime make out action.

I sought out a higher authority to get the scoop.

humor, shopping, malls, online shopping, Jay and Silent Bob, Modern PhilosopherSearch as I might, however, I could not find Jay and Silent Bob anywhere.

And I even checked all the women’s dressing rooms in the place.

So where have the mall rats gone?

I’m pretty sure they’ve been devoured by the cyber cats.

Now I know “cyber cats” isn’t a thing, but I’m hoping to make it one.  I mean, I’ve stopped trying to make fetch happen, but I think I’m on to something with cyber cats.

By cyber cats, I mean online shoppers.  They have figuratively devoured the mall rats that once ran loose in the corridors of the mall by making it much simpler for those teens to shop online.

There’s no need to take the bus down to the mall, or beg your older sibling for a ride.  Now these kids can shop from the convenience of anyplace their phones can get a signal.

Ironically, the one thing I needed from the mall was not in stock.  I have enormous feet, so Footlocker rarely has my size in the store.  The manager always goes online on his phone and finds me a great deal through the store’s website.

Cue the cyber cats…

That was the case again today.  I picked up a great pair of running shoes at almost half price, and they should be delivered within the next couple of days.

Sure, I could’ve just done that at home, but I had been hoping to catch up with Jay and Silent Bob.  Those dudes are never online, so you’ve got to catch them live and in person.

humor, shopping, malls, online shopping, Jay and Silent Bob, Daity Queen, Modern PhilosopherOf course, my trip to the mall wasn’t a total bust.

I might not have had the gorgeous brunette in tow, but I still made a stop at our old stomping grounds.

Maybe it was because I missed Rachel.

Or maybe it was because I’ve been working out like a madman lately and really felt I deserved a Blizzard.

Either way, I walked out of that ghost town with a yummy treat…the only kind of Blizzard I can stomach in Maine.  Jay and Silent Bob would’ve been proud!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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